Home > Essays, Main > Your Favorite Grocery Store Chain Is In Bed With The American Meteorological Society

Your Favorite Grocery Store Chain Is In Bed With The American Meteorological Society

Call me crazy, but I think there’s a massive conspiracy going on between major grocery store chains and the American Meteorological Society.

Living in Chicago it seems like we’re always one good weather prediction away from the snowstorm to end all snowstorms which sends everyone in a panic all the way to Jewel.

What people always seems to forget is the weatherman is about 20 percent accurate .000001 percent of the time. Instead everyone becomes blinded by the fact that we might get a foot of snow somehow making it impossible to leave the house again for at least one week.

It’s all about safety first since, you know, our cupboards are completely bare the other 6 days a week from not going to the grocery and instead making all those evening runs to White Castle. So as a result of our general laziness and love for fast food, now becomes the only time to grocery shop and therefore WE MUST STOCK UP ON EVERYTHING.

Won’t someone think of the children? They’re hungry and they want their deep-fried chicken rings (better make sure those are on your grocery list!).

The reality of these “blizzard predictions” is that they become a smaller version of Y2K except they happen 3-5 times every year! Now that’s no coincidence.

Here’s something else for you to consider, did you know the majority of profits an average grocery store makes in a year are made in between the months of December and March? *

Did you also know that the American Meteorological Society isn’t even a real society? **

One winter day, many years ago before any of us were born, the leader of the grocery store shadow government armed with an innovative and diabolic plan to maximize profits met with the president of the AMS at a TGIFriday’s. The pair agreed that in return for the AMS to predict weather severe enough to send the average citizen into a panic several times a winter, the grocery store shadow government would use its money and influence to help push pro-AMS propaganda to a society that at one time could all agree meteorology isn’t a science.

Now all these years later our society is so brainwashed we will watch an entire 30 minute broadcast of news the Internet already informed us about hours before just to catch a 2 minute weather “forecast” at the end of the show.

A segment that’s teased throughout the entire 30 minutes:

“You’re not going to believe the weather we will have this weekend. Will it be good or bad? Stay tuned to find out.”

“The weather this weekend is going to be terrible…or is it? Stay tuned.”

“You know those white, cold, snow-shaped things that fall from the sky might cause cancer? Stay tuned to find out what we’re talking about. Hint: it’s not snow, but it’s definitely cancer.”

The weather this weekend is going to be incredible…or is it? Stay tuned.”

Then by the time you get to the forecast some overweight white guy in a cheap suit with an ugly tie comes to let you know we might get some rain, but otherwise it will be sunny and in the upper 40s.

Oh really?

That’s why today I’m calling for a boycott of the AMS, weather forecasting and any other type of weather fortune-telling known to man. To show our solidarity we’re going to have a giant rally at grocery stores all across the country Tuesday night during “the blizzard” that has been predicted for the Midwest.

Now remember when you’re at the grocery store to not actually buy anything or the plan doesn’t work. And if you’re hungry, don’t worry, we’ll all pile in a van and go to White Castle afterwards.

Hope to see you there!

*Source missing

**Might be an actual society (a society of liars)

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Categories: Essays, Main
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