Home > Essays, Main > Hey, Anyone Interested in Starting a Cult?

Hey, Anyone Interested in Starting a Cult?

Hey, anyone interested in starting a cult?

I know I’ve had a lot of crazy ideas, but I’d say this one is by far the best I’ve had (this week). I put this together in a sort of question and answer form. If you don’t see your question submitted below please don’t hesitate to ask and I’ll get an answer back to you just as soon as possible! So let’s talk starting our very own cult!

You know, cults get a bad rap, but they don’t have to be bad thing. I’m not talking a suicide pact here or anything – at least not yet. I just believe in people’s rights to be people and if a dude wants to have 47 wives then he should be allowed to.

“What about equal rights for women? What if I want to have 47 husbands?”

No worries. I also believe in equal rights for women so if a chick wants to have multiple husbands then my answer is unequivocally yes, I will marry you and so will Jack, Chris, Sam and Drew.

See, cults don’t have to be a bad thing because we can all get what we want. Which reminds me, I also believe in this new cult of ours we should probably refrain from using the term “cult” as it might give outsiders the wrong idea.

Let’s call it a “society” because if we call ourselves a society, or even a religion, a certain United States government might recognize us as a real thing and less of another Waco, Texas.

“I really think I want to join your new society, but what kind of food will there be?”

Great question! Any sociologist worth his weight in Sociology books will tell you that food is the center of any great society. That’s why I believe in this new society of ours we should refrain from the idea of organic foods all together and focus on a more bacon-centric form of life.

Look, if God wanted us to eat organic food He/She/Superman wouldn’t have made mozzarella poppers and KFC Double Downs taste so good.

Instead of organic garbage, we will only eat three kinds of food: meat, Oreos and fried-foods. Basically we should abandon everything we think we know about health and nutrition and instead follow our taste buds and endless appetites.

This is my manifesto. This is my dream. Now let’s talk merchandising because someone is going to have to pay for this new world.

“How are we going to finance this new way of life? I only have $27 and I owe Dave $23.”

I’m thinking a designer line of t-shirts that have phrases like “I joined a cult society and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.”

We’d probably need a celebrity to sell them so I’m thinking Charlie Sheen would be good mainly because if he joined our society he could have as many porn actress wives as he’d like with no one to judge him.

And Charlie, you can do all the cocaine you want in our new society. The only thing that we ask if that you bring enough for everybody.

“How do I know you’re not just some nut who wants to sleep with/impregnate our daughters and steal all our money?”

You don’t.

“What happens if this gets out of hand and John Q. Law decides to break us all up?”

I guess if all else fails, I have an unusually large supply of Kool-Aid in my kitchen cabinet.

Please submit your questions about this new society via this blog, Facebook or Twitter and I’ll post answers for you.

Categories: Essays, Main

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