Home > Uncategorized > I’m Not Delusional (I Promise I’m Being Stalked by an Alternative Rock Band)

I’m Not Delusional (I Promise I’m Being Stalked by an Alternative Rock Band)

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I’m being stalked by the early 90s alternative band Urge Overkill. I didn’t realize it until last weekend, but this is definitely a real thing. It started a few months back when I went to see Weezer at Riot Fest and Urge Overkill opened for them.
Now the first question that immediately came to my mind, and likely to your’s right now, is “why is Weezer playing Riot Fest?”
Good question, but we’ll have to tackle that in a future essay. It’s entirely possible they are stalking me as well although I don’t have enough evidence yet. More on that later. Now back to Urge Overkill.
So the second question that came to mind after wondering why Weezer is playing at Riot Fest was why is Urge Overkill playing Riot Fest? Shouldn’t these two be playing some separate festival where early 90s rock bands get together and try to pretend like they’re not in their mid to late 40s?
The only obvious answer is that Urge Overkill was stalking me then and still is now. I just didn’t realize it then. I think the crowd even knew that this band wasn’t supposed to be opening for Weezer because some of them booed while others through up “W” symbols with their hands.
They finally finished their set and then Weezer played. We all reminisced about our teenage years, cried a little then hugged it out and we all went home. Then I forgot about Urge Overkill, but they didn’t forget about me.
Fast forward to last weekend. Tenacious D at the Aragon Ballroom. The D!
The D…and Urge Overkill opening. Huh?
Jack Black even came on stage before UO played just to tell the audience that when he heard Tenacious D was going to be playing in Chicago he immediately called Urge Overkill and asked them to open. In his words he was telling the crowd to have respect for the opening band because he said he likes them. Except I knew better. I knew that was he was really saying, “Everyone be cool while Urge Overkill tries to woo Josh and then we will come out later and rock your socks off.”
Dammit – even Jack Black is in on Urge Overkill stalking me!
So this is why I’m writing to the members of Urge Overkill today. This is why I’m writing to Jack Black, the members of Weezer, the organizers of Riot Fest and anyone else who has been helping Urge Overkill stalk me. Enough is enough, guys.
Honestly I am flattered, but this has got to stop. Your songs just don’t move me, okay?
Sorry, Urge Overkill, but there’s not anything you can do to change the way I feel. I used to love 90s grunge back in the day just as much as the next guy and I’m sure that if you guys would have made your true feelings known in those days I might have been more open to this, but not now. I’ve grown up.
No, please stop. There’s nothing you can say or do to make this okay. Please don’t try to serenade me with your 1994 cover of Neil Diamond’s “Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon.” I don’t care that you were at a party once and met Quentin Tarantino.
I think it’s best that we steer clear of each other from here on out. That means no more following me on Twitter, no more stalking my Facebook and especially no more opening for bands I am going to see. Just to be on the safe side I’ve pre-approved a list of bands you can open for:

Nickleback
Maroon 5
Aerosmith
Nickleback
Coldplay

You get the idea, right? Basically in other words, just please permanently go on tour with Nickleback so I don’t ever have to worry about seeing you. I wish I could say it was fun while it lasted, but we were never a thing no matter how hard it might be for you to get that through your head.
Now go do another cover of some song that was popular in the 60s that I don’t want to listen to.

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