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I’m Not Delusional (I Promise I’m Being Stalked by an Alternative Rock Band)

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I’m being stalked by the early 90s alternative band Urge Overkill. I didn’t realize it until last weekend, but this is definitely a real thing. It started a few months back when I went to see Weezer at Riot Fest and Urge Overkill opened for them.
Now the first question that immediately came to my mind, and likely to your’s right now, is “why is Weezer playing Riot Fest?”
Good question, but we’ll have to tackle that in a future essay. It’s entirely possible they are stalking me as well although I don’t have enough evidence yet. More on that later. Now back to Urge Overkill.
So the second question that came to mind after wondering why Weezer is playing at Riot Fest was why is Urge Overkill playing Riot Fest? Shouldn’t these two be playing some separate festival where early 90s rock bands get together and try to pretend like they’re not in their mid to late 40s?
The only obvious answer is that Urge Overkill was stalking me then and still is now. I just didn’t realize it then. I think the crowd even knew that this band wasn’t supposed to be opening for Weezer because some of them booed while others through up “W” symbols with their hands.
They finally finished their set and then Weezer played. We all reminisced about our teenage years, cried a little then hugged it out and we all went home. Then I forgot about Urge Overkill, but they didn’t forget about me.
Fast forward to last weekend. Tenacious D at the Aragon Ballroom. The D!
The D…and Urge Overkill opening. Huh?
Jack Black even came on stage before UO played just to tell the audience that when he heard Tenacious D was going to be playing in Chicago he immediately called Urge Overkill and asked them to open. In his words he was telling the crowd to have respect for the opening band because he said he likes them. Except I knew better. I knew that was he was really saying, “Everyone be cool while Urge Overkill tries to woo Josh and then we will come out later and rock your socks off.”
Dammit – even Jack Black is in on Urge Overkill stalking me!
So this is why I’m writing to the members of Urge Overkill today. This is why I’m writing to Jack Black, the members of Weezer, the organizers of Riot Fest and anyone else who has been helping Urge Overkill stalk me. Enough is enough, guys.
Honestly I am flattered, but this has got to stop. Your songs just don’t move me, okay?
Sorry, Urge Overkill, but there’s not anything you can do to change the way I feel. I used to love 90s grunge back in the day just as much as the next guy and I’m sure that if you guys would have made your true feelings known in those days I might have been more open to this, but not now. I’ve grown up.
No, please stop. There’s nothing you can say or do to make this okay. Please don’t try to serenade me with your 1994 cover of Neil Diamond’s “Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon.” I don’t care that you were at a party once and met Quentin Tarantino.
I think it’s best that we steer clear of each other from here on out. That means no more following me on Twitter, no more stalking my Facebook and especially no more opening for bands I am going to see. Just to be on the safe side I’ve pre-approved a list of bands you can open for:

Nickleback
Maroon 5
Aerosmith
Nickleback
Coldplay

You get the idea, right? Basically in other words, just please permanently go on tour with Nickleback so I don’t ever have to worry about seeing you. I wish I could say it was fun while it lasted, but we were never a thing no matter how hard it might be for you to get that through your head.
Now go do another cover of some song that was popular in the 60s that I don’t want to listen to.

Categories: Uncategorized

Legalize It (Me Throwing Rocks at Your Car)

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The Lite-Bright of our society burning out one bulb at a time.

I’m just going to throw this out there, but I think that as pedestrians we should be able to legally vandalize cars.

This has been happening to me more frequently lately where I’m waiting at a stoplight, I get the sign to walk, I start to walk and a car cuts off me off with a long honk and an ugly stare. I’m left standing on the edge of the sidewalk confused as to what I did. I’m forced to shrug it off and continue on my way.

That was the old me; the new me is saying enough is enough.

Starting today I will no longer shrug it off and continue on my way like some pathetic loser – no! Instead I’m going to pick up whatever I can find nearby (rocks, whiskey bottle, poodle) and chuck it at the car as hard as I can and then run. Run as hard and as fast as I have ever ran before.

Now who’s laughing?

There is an epidemic in this country and it all started when someone decided to ignore the little, white, light-up walking man. We live in a society of rules and when one so basic as pedestrians having the right away no longer carries any weight with the average Joe motorist then it’s time for action.

My first thought was that there should be a law; not that pedestrians have the right-of-way, but that pedestrians have the right to throw projectiles at cars upon being cut-off.

The truth is I can see how there would be a lot of people in favor of this law (i.e. pedestrians), but I can also see how there would be a lot of people opposed to this law (i.e. drivers, pedestrians with cars).

Whether a law gets passed or not I’m still going to going to go vigilante justice all over your Ford Fusion. You say you care about the economy, you say you care about the life of an unborn child, you say you care about education, but make no mistake: you will care about me when I open my bag of doorknobs and start throwing heaters at your windshield.

Laws are stupid, though. Even if a law gets passed and some idiot group of politicians actually gives me the right to get my revenge you know some group of Tea Party’ers is going to ruin it. You know they’ll take it to the Supreme Court who will probably rule a car actually has the same rights as an individual and why shouldn’t they? Corporations do.

All I’m saying is that everything that is wrong with America starts with three things: the Supreme Court, people who don’t flush the toilet after taking a massive poo and drivers who cut off pedestrians even though the little, white, light-up walking man says otherwise.

Categories: Uncategorized

WikiLeaks: Hoorayforme Edition

March 2, 2011 2 comments

Interoffice memos leaked from January 2010 until March 2011 show how poorly major companies in corporate America are managing the recession.

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Tuesday January 12, 2010 11:00 a.m.

Subject: Please put in all the extra effort you can to make sure the company’s a success. Remember when the company succeeds, you succeed

Attention All Full-Time Employees,

While over-time has currently been cut, employees are encouraged to go that extra step and put in a few extra hours a week. If we all work diligently together and put in that extra effort our company is known for then we will power right through this recession.
We live in an era where the national unemployment rate is hovering around 10 percent, but fortunately for you, you are employed. Work hard and you will see the rewards in yourself and in the company you work for.

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February Thursday 25, 2010 2:59 p.m.

Subject: New mandatory overtime

Attention All Full-Time Employees,

Effective Monday March 1, 2010, all employees are required to work an additional 5 hours of overtime on top of their normal 40 hour per week schedule until further notice.
Questions or comments should be directed to your managers or Human Resources department, but only after work hours.

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Friday February 26, 2010 5 p.m.

Subject: Re: new mandatory overtime

Attention All Part-Time Employees,

Congratulations you have all been promoted to full-time employees because we like to think of our employees as one autonomous unit.
Until further notice you will not receive a pay increase, benefits or pay beyond your normal 15-20 hours, but will now be required to work 40 hours. Please plan accordingly.
Have a great weekend!

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Wednesday May 5, 2010 9:46 a.m.

Subject: Employees are no longer allowed to feel stressed, overwhelmed and/or take breaks during work hours

Attention All Employees,

Due to recent layoffs, our company no longer employs enough staff to get all the normal work done in a day. As a result of these circumstances we’re instructing all employees to limit breaks of all kinds including lunch breaks, smoke breaks and normal break breaks.
Just keep working and do not stop working.
This is not a violation of your rights as you signed those rights away when you were hired.
Employees will not be permitted to file grievances because this is a non-union company.
Also, we fired the entire Human Resources department and replaced them with a new coffee maker. This was for your benefit.

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Wednesday May 5, 2010 10:15 a.m.

Subject: Employees are now responsible for repayment of the new coffee maker

Attention All Employees,

Due to an accounting error, the company will not able to pay for the new coffee maker. Five dollars will be deducted from each employee’s paycheck retroactively from January 1, 2011 until the new coffee maker is paid for (projected pay-off date: January 1, 2030).
Please do not come to your managers with complaints about the company’s new policy as they are too overwhelmed to deal with anyone else being overwhelmed.

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Monday November 22, 2010 12:35 p.m.

Subject: To pay for high-level corporate bonuses this year, all lower level employees salaries will be cut 15 percent

Attention All Employees,

In addition to repayment of the coffee maker, we are going to need to buckle down as a company and help each other out. That’s why effective immediately all lower level employees will be required to take a mandatory 15 percent pay cut.
If you have to ask yourself if you are a lower level employee then the answer is yes.

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Tuesday November 23, 2010 3:00 p.m.

Subject: Thanksgiving Vacation

Attention All Employees,

It is not mandatory, but it is highly recommended for those employees who value their jobs to come in to work for the remainder of the week. You can celebrate Thanksgiving next week. It’s not like it’s going anywhere.

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Friday December 24, 2010 4:58 p.m.

Subject: Mandatory Saturday hours

Attention All Employees,

Please be advised that this coming Saturday December 25 is a mandatory Saturday for all employees.
Where is your savior now?

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Wednesday February 23, 2011 1:15 p.m.

Subject: Layoffs

Attention All Employees,

Most of you are fired while some are not. For further information on this, contact the Human Resources department.
For those of you who have not been released and are currently a high level employee you can expect to receive your bonus on the third Thursday of this month.

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Hey, Anyone Interested in Starting a Cult?

February 24, 2011 1 comment

Hey, anyone interested in starting a cult?

I know I’ve had a lot of crazy ideas, but I’d say this one is by far the best I’ve had (this week). I put this together in a sort of question and answer form. If you don’t see your question submitted below please don’t hesitate to ask and I’ll get an answer back to you just as soon as possible! So let’s talk starting our very own cult!

You know, cults get a bad rap, but they don’t have to be bad thing. I’m not talking a suicide pact here or anything – at least not yet. I just believe in people’s rights to be people and if a dude wants to have 47 wives then he should be allowed to.

“What about equal rights for women? What if I want to have 47 husbands?”

No worries. I also believe in equal rights for women so if a chick wants to have multiple husbands then my answer is unequivocally yes, I will marry you and so will Jack, Chris, Sam and Drew.

See, cults don’t have to be a bad thing because we can all get what we want. Which reminds me, I also believe in this new cult of ours we should probably refrain from using the term “cult” as it might give outsiders the wrong idea.

Let’s call it a “society” because if we call ourselves a society, or even a religion, a certain United States government might recognize us as a real thing and less of another Waco, Texas.

“I really think I want to join your new society, but what kind of food will there be?”

Great question! Any sociologist worth his weight in Sociology books will tell you that food is the center of any great society. That’s why I believe in this new society of ours we should refrain from the idea of organic foods all together and focus on a more bacon-centric form of life.

Look, if God wanted us to eat organic food He/She/Superman wouldn’t have made mozzarella poppers and KFC Double Downs taste so good.

Instead of organic garbage, we will only eat three kinds of food: meat, Oreos and fried-foods. Basically we should abandon everything we think we know about health and nutrition and instead follow our taste buds and endless appetites.

This is my manifesto. This is my dream. Now let’s talk merchandising because someone is going to have to pay for this new world.

“How are we going to finance this new way of life? I only have $27 and I owe Dave $23.”

I’m thinking a designer line of t-shirts that have phrases like “I joined a cult society and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.”

We’d probably need a celebrity to sell them so I’m thinking Charlie Sheen would be good mainly because if he joined our society he could have as many porn actress wives as he’d like with no one to judge him.

And Charlie, you can do all the cocaine you want in our new society. The only thing that we ask if that you bring enough for everybody.

“How do I know you’re not just some nut who wants to sleep with/impregnate our daughters and steal all our money?”

You don’t.

“What happens if this gets out of hand and John Q. Law decides to break us all up?”

I guess if all else fails, I have an unusually large supply of Kool-Aid in my kitchen cabinet.

Please submit your questions about this new society via this blog, Facebook or Twitter and I’ll post answers for you.

Categories: Essays, Main

Job Hunting 101

February 14, 2011 Leave a comment

I’ve seen several news stories lately that say we’re coming out of this recession, but I just don’t know. I was unemployed for over a year and now I’m stuck in a dead-end temp job working for peanuts where I find myself fantasizing about the future day where I will once again have health insurance. I guess the best way to sum it up right now is just to say this: time’s is hard.

Then I came across this article about some lady who has all the answers on landing your dream job. Of course you have to pay to go to her seminar to actually learn anything. Luckily the Chicago Tribune had an article that briefly touched on the topics she will cover.

Reading the article probably would have been a good idea, but I got distracted because the Monorail episode of The Simpsons was on TV. Lucky for you I did, however, skim the article and will now paraphrase what I “read.”

GO TO STARBUCKS OR THE GYM

Sometimes you really want a job, but there’s just so much bureaucracy involved in actually getting it. What you’re going to want to do is find out who’s in charge of the department you work in and immediately begin stalking them.

Now don’t set your sights to high. You don’t want to start following around the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Someone might notice. What you want to do is find a low level manager who still has some influence. Maybe make some pretend sales phone calls just to get names either that or hang out in the parking lot and write down license plate numbers.

Once you’ve found the person you’re looking for you’re going to want to find out where they live. This is basically just Stalking 101. If you have previous experience you can just go on to the next section and if you don’t then keep reading.

Find the Starbucks this manager frequents every morning before work and strike up a conversation. You both love non-fat, low whip, double, triple, super frappuccinos – instant conversation starter. You’re BFFs already!

If the manager’s not a coffee drinker then maybe they are a health nut. Follow them to the gym and tell them they have awesome pecs.

If all else fails marry the manager’s son/daughter. This might mean switching hitting, but everyone knows that a really good job is something worth going gay for.

BYPASSING HUMAN RESOURCES

Human Resources departments were created to make it impossible for people like you and me to get jobs just by walking in and introducing ourselves. Well you know what I say? Fuck that!

Brush your teeth, put on your best Charlie Brown tie, grab your dad’s briefcase and walk straight into Bank of America’s headquarters. Demand to speak with someone in charge and if they try to brush you off tell them your brief case is full of dynamite.

INTERNET FOR RESEARCH; NOT APPLICATIONS

If applying for jobs online is masturbation you might as well actually masturbate instead. When in Rome.

FOLLOW THE NEWS

I have no idea what this means. I think this topic was slipped in because I read the story on the Chicago Tribune who coincidentally is a news organization. Of course, they’d want you to follow the news. Next.

GET DISCOVERED

Amateur porn is going to be your best bet when it comes to this topic. Hopefully you have a hot girlfriend/boyfriend. If not, you’re probably going to want to pay someone who is hot to make a sex tape with you. Make sure your name, contact information and resume is somehow cleverly incorporated in the banging. I’m not going to say anything more here except this is your chance to showcase some of your creativity.

TURNED DOWN FOR A JOB

Don’t take no for an answer. If you get turned down for a job steal your dad’s briefcase again, go back to Bank of America’s headquarters, rinse and repeat.

GET A CONTRACT

One of the most famous stories from the Godfather is the one where Luca Brasi and Don Corleone help Corleone’s godson, Johnny Fontane, get out of a bad contract he signed when he wasn’t famous.

When the producer who signed Fontane to the cheap contract initially refused Corleone’s request to have it nullified, Corleone put a pistol to the producer’s head and assured the producer that either his signature or his brains would rest on the document in exactly one minute.

Do this exactly.

MAGICAL PHRASES

“Tada!” Use this phrase as much as possible during the interview process.

REVEAL BUT NOT TOO MUCH

Make a sex tape, but a classy one. See above.

Congratulations! You know have the knowledge necessary to land your dream job –
Recession be damned! Oh, and if for some silly reason you have any run-ins with the John Q. Law because of what you’ve read here today – we never met.

Kids and Heroes

February 7, 2011 Leave a comment

When I was a kid I watched wrestling a ton. WWF, baby. Hulk Hogan, Bushwacker Twins, Legion of Doom, the Ultimate Warrior, Jake “the Snake” Roberts, Rick Flair and Rod “Roddy” Piper. Now these are some real heroes.

I feel bad for kids growing up today with “heroes” like Edward Cullen, Justin Bieber and Snooki. What have these people taught kids other than it’s okay for vampires to be gay; having talent doesn’t matter as long as you have Rod Blagojevich hair; and – well, I forgot, what does Snooki do again?

Wrestlers taught me to have pride in America. Hacksaw Jim Dugan always waved around an American flag everywhere he went. If I learned one thing from Hacksaw it’s that you don’t question a 40-year-old man wearing only blue underwear who carries around a 2×4 and an American Flag.

I had a friend when I was 12 and every time I’d go over to his house I remember his dad sitting in the la-z boy just wearing his tighty whiteys watching television. You might call that white trash, but I call it patriotic.

Extreme love for America aside, there was always one wrestler who stuck in my mind: the Ultimate Warrior. In retrospect I really don’t know why I remembered him as my favorite, but I think the fact that he always ran to the stage and wore face paint really appealed to me.

If you remember the Ultimate Warrior you probably also remember hearing rumors about how he died and was replaced with a look alike something like 10 times which got me thinking – I wonder how many times this has happened with the Man Vs Food host?

You can’t deny Adam Richman of his hero status, but after watching five episodes of that show you and I both know there is no way this is the original Adam Richman. I’m thinking this is more like Adam Richman #6 or #7.

So here’s to you, Adam Richman #s 1-4. You were really the greatest and most Adam-esque of the Adams. Your later counterparts Adam Richman #s 5-7 have really put on the pounds – and I refuse to believe a person who participates in eating challenges for a living is overweight.

Case and point: watch any hot dog eating contest. Those people weigh less than 100 pounds!

Look, it doesn’t make sense to me either, but I just chuck it up to science. Science being something like metabolism, another thing I don’t understand.

I’m just glad that all these years later while I no longer watch wrestling for entertainment (I do it now purely for the sport of it), I can still look up to people who participate in stupid activities for nothing more than my amusement. Whether it’s getting smashed in the spine with a steel chair or eating 6,000 chicken wings in under 2 hours, I can honestly I say I love you all. Please don’t ever change.

And if you do change, you know, cause you died or something, just make sure that your replacement is a dead ringer.

Dead ringer cause you’re dead – get it?

 

Your Favorite Grocery Store Chain Is In Bed With The American Meteorological Society

January 31, 2011 Leave a comment

Call me crazy, but I think there’s a massive conspiracy going on between major grocery store chains and the American Meteorological Society.

Living in Chicago it seems like we’re always one good weather prediction away from the snowstorm to end all snowstorms which sends everyone in a panic all the way to Jewel.

What people always seems to forget is the weatherman is about 20 percent accurate .000001 percent of the time. Instead everyone becomes blinded by the fact that we might get a foot of snow somehow making it impossible to leave the house again for at least one week.

It’s all about safety first since, you know, our cupboards are completely bare the other 6 days a week from not going to the grocery and instead making all those evening runs to White Castle. So as a result of our general laziness and love for fast food, now becomes the only time to grocery shop and therefore WE MUST STOCK UP ON EVERYTHING.

Won’t someone think of the children? They’re hungry and they want their deep-fried chicken rings (better make sure those are on your grocery list!).

The reality of these “blizzard predictions” is that they become a smaller version of Y2K except they happen 3-5 times every year! Now that’s no coincidence.

Here’s something else for you to consider, did you know the majority of profits an average grocery store makes in a year are made in between the months of December and March? *

Did you also know that the American Meteorological Society isn’t even a real society? **

One winter day, many years ago before any of us were born, the leader of the grocery store shadow government armed with an innovative and diabolic plan to maximize profits met with the president of the AMS at a TGIFriday’s. The pair agreed that in return for the AMS to predict weather severe enough to send the average citizen into a panic several times a winter, the grocery store shadow government would use its money and influence to help push pro-AMS propaganda to a society that at one time could all agree meteorology isn’t a science.

Now all these years later our society is so brainwashed we will watch an entire 30 minute broadcast of news the Internet already informed us about hours before just to catch a 2 minute weather “forecast” at the end of the show.

A segment that’s teased throughout the entire 30 minutes:

“You’re not going to believe the weather we will have this weekend. Will it be good or bad? Stay tuned to find out.”

“The weather this weekend is going to be terrible…or is it? Stay tuned.”

“You know those white, cold, snow-shaped things that fall from the sky might cause cancer? Stay tuned to find out what we’re talking about. Hint: it’s not snow, but it’s definitely cancer.”

The weather this weekend is going to be incredible…or is it? Stay tuned.”

Then by the time you get to the forecast some overweight white guy in a cheap suit with an ugly tie comes to let you know we might get some rain, but otherwise it will be sunny and in the upper 40s.

Oh really?

That’s why today I’m calling for a boycott of the AMS, weather forecasting and any other type of weather fortune-telling known to man. To show our solidarity we’re going to have a giant rally at grocery stores all across the country Tuesday night during “the blizzard” that has been predicted for the Midwest.

Now remember when you’re at the grocery store to not actually buy anything or the plan doesn’t work. And if you’re hungry, don’t worry, we’ll all pile in a van and go to White Castle afterwards.

Hope to see you there!

*Source missing

**Might be an actual society (a society of liars)

Categories: Essays, Main