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Hey, Anyone Interested in Starting a Cult?

February 24, 2011 1 comment

Hey, anyone interested in starting a cult?

I know I’ve had a lot of crazy ideas, but I’d say this one is by far the best I’ve had (this week). I put this together in a sort of question and answer form. If you don’t see your question submitted below please don’t hesitate to ask and I’ll get an answer back to you just as soon as possible! So let’s talk starting our very own cult!

You know, cults get a bad rap, but they don’t have to be bad thing. I’m not talking a suicide pact here or anything – at least not yet. I just believe in people’s rights to be people and if a dude wants to have 47 wives then he should be allowed to.

“What about equal rights for women? What if I want to have 47 husbands?”

No worries. I also believe in equal rights for women so if a chick wants to have multiple husbands then my answer is unequivocally yes, I will marry you and so will Jack, Chris, Sam and Drew.

See, cults don’t have to be a bad thing because we can all get what we want. Which reminds me, I also believe in this new cult of ours we should probably refrain from using the term “cult” as it might give outsiders the wrong idea.

Let’s call it a “society” because if we call ourselves a society, or even a religion, a certain United States government might recognize us as a real thing and less of another Waco, Texas.

“I really think I want to join your new society, but what kind of food will there be?”

Great question! Any sociologist worth his weight in Sociology books will tell you that food is the center of any great society. That’s why I believe in this new society of ours we should refrain from the idea of organic foods all together and focus on a more bacon-centric form of life.

Look, if God wanted us to eat organic food He/She/Superman wouldn’t have made mozzarella poppers and KFC Double Downs taste so good.

Instead of organic garbage, we will only eat three kinds of food: meat, Oreos and fried-foods. Basically we should abandon everything we think we know about health and nutrition and instead follow our taste buds and endless appetites.

This is my manifesto. This is my dream. Now let’s talk merchandising because someone is going to have to pay for this new world.

“How are we going to finance this new way of life? I only have $27 and I owe Dave $23.”

I’m thinking a designer line of t-shirts that have phrases like “I joined a cult society and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.”

We’d probably need a celebrity to sell them so I’m thinking Charlie Sheen would be good mainly because if he joined our society he could have as many porn actress wives as he’d like with no one to judge him.

And Charlie, you can do all the cocaine you want in our new society. The only thing that we ask if that you bring enough for everybody.

“How do I know you’re not just some nut who wants to sleep with/impregnate our daughters and steal all our money?”

You don’t.

“What happens if this gets out of hand and John Q. Law decides to break us all up?”

I guess if all else fails, I have an unusually large supply of Kool-Aid in my kitchen cabinet.

Please submit your questions about this new society via this blog, Facebook or Twitter and I’ll post answers for you.

Categories: Essays, Main

Job Hunting 101

February 14, 2011 Leave a comment

I’ve seen several news stories lately that say we’re coming out of this recession, but I just don’t know. I was unemployed for over a year and now I’m stuck in a dead-end temp job working for peanuts where I find myself fantasizing about the future day where I will once again have health insurance. I guess the best way to sum it up right now is just to say this: time’s is hard.

Then I came across this article about some lady who has all the answers on landing your dream job. Of course you have to pay to go to her seminar to actually learn anything. Luckily the Chicago Tribune had an article that briefly touched on the topics she will cover.

Reading the article probably would have been a good idea, but I got distracted because the Monorail episode of The Simpsons was on TV. Lucky for you I did, however, skim the article and will now paraphrase what I “read.”

GO TO STARBUCKS OR THE GYM

Sometimes you really want a job, but there’s just so much bureaucracy involved in actually getting it. What you’re going to want to do is find out who’s in charge of the department you work in and immediately begin stalking them.

Now don’t set your sights to high. You don’t want to start following around the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Someone might notice. What you want to do is find a low level manager who still has some influence. Maybe make some pretend sales phone calls just to get names either that or hang out in the parking lot and write down license plate numbers.

Once you’ve found the person you’re looking for you’re going to want to find out where they live. This is basically just Stalking 101. If you have previous experience you can just go on to the next section and if you don’t then keep reading.

Find the Starbucks this manager frequents every morning before work and strike up a conversation. You both love non-fat, low whip, double, triple, super frappuccinos – instant conversation starter. You’re BFFs already!

If the manager’s not a coffee drinker then maybe they are a health nut. Follow them to the gym and tell them they have awesome pecs.

If all else fails marry the manager’s son/daughter. This might mean switching hitting, but everyone knows that a really good job is something worth going gay for.

BYPASSING HUMAN RESOURCES

Human Resources departments were created to make it impossible for people like you and me to get jobs just by walking in and introducing ourselves. Well you know what I say? Fuck that!

Brush your teeth, put on your best Charlie Brown tie, grab your dad’s briefcase and walk straight into Bank of America’s headquarters. Demand to speak with someone in charge and if they try to brush you off tell them your brief case is full of dynamite.

INTERNET FOR RESEARCH; NOT APPLICATIONS

If applying for jobs online is masturbation you might as well actually masturbate instead. When in Rome.

FOLLOW THE NEWS

I have no idea what this means. I think this topic was slipped in because I read the story on the Chicago Tribune who coincidentally is a news organization. Of course, they’d want you to follow the news. Next.

GET DISCOVERED

Amateur porn is going to be your best bet when it comes to this topic. Hopefully you have a hot girlfriend/boyfriend. If not, you’re probably going to want to pay someone who is hot to make a sex tape with you. Make sure your name, contact information and resume is somehow cleverly incorporated in the banging. I’m not going to say anything more here except this is your chance to showcase some of your creativity.

TURNED DOWN FOR A JOB

Don’t take no for an answer. If you get turned down for a job steal your dad’s briefcase again, go back to Bank of America’s headquarters, rinse and repeat.

GET A CONTRACT

One of the most famous stories from the Godfather is the one where Luca Brasi and Don Corleone help Corleone’s godson, Johnny Fontane, get out of a bad contract he signed when he wasn’t famous.

When the producer who signed Fontane to the cheap contract initially refused Corleone’s request to have it nullified, Corleone put a pistol to the producer’s head and assured the producer that either his signature or his brains would rest on the document in exactly one minute.

Do this exactly.

MAGICAL PHRASES

“Tada!” Use this phrase as much as possible during the interview process.

REVEAL BUT NOT TOO MUCH

Make a sex tape, but a classy one. See above.

Congratulations! You know have the knowledge necessary to land your dream job –
Recession be damned! Oh, and if for some silly reason you have any run-ins with the John Q. Law because of what you’ve read here today – we never met.

Kids and Heroes

February 7, 2011 Leave a comment

When I was a kid I watched wrestling a ton. WWF, baby. Hulk Hogan, Bushwacker Twins, Legion of Doom, the Ultimate Warrior, Jake “the Snake” Roberts, Rick Flair and Rod “Roddy” Piper. Now these are some real heroes.

I feel bad for kids growing up today with “heroes” like Edward Cullen, Justin Bieber and Snooki. What have these people taught kids other than it’s okay for vampires to be gay; having talent doesn’t matter as long as you have Rod Blagojevich hair; and – well, I forgot, what does Snooki do again?

Wrestlers taught me to have pride in America. Hacksaw Jim Dugan always waved around an American flag everywhere he went. If I learned one thing from Hacksaw it’s that you don’t question a 40-year-old man wearing only blue underwear who carries around a 2×4 and an American Flag.

I had a friend when I was 12 and every time I’d go over to his house I remember his dad sitting in the la-z boy just wearing his tighty whiteys watching television. You might call that white trash, but I call it patriotic.

Extreme love for America aside, there was always one wrestler who stuck in my mind: the Ultimate Warrior. In retrospect I really don’t know why I remembered him as my favorite, but I think the fact that he always ran to the stage and wore face paint really appealed to me.

If you remember the Ultimate Warrior you probably also remember hearing rumors about how he died and was replaced with a look alike something like 10 times which got me thinking – I wonder how many times this has happened with the Man Vs Food host?

You can’t deny Adam Richman of his hero status, but after watching five episodes of that show you and I both know there is no way this is the original Adam Richman. I’m thinking this is more like Adam Richman #6 or #7.

So here’s to you, Adam Richman #s 1-4. You were really the greatest and most Adam-esque of the Adams. Your later counterparts Adam Richman #s 5-7 have really put on the pounds – and I refuse to believe a person who participates in eating challenges for a living is overweight.

Case and point: watch any hot dog eating contest. Those people weigh less than 100 pounds!

Look, it doesn’t make sense to me either, but I just chuck it up to science. Science being something like metabolism, another thing I don’t understand.

I’m just glad that all these years later while I no longer watch wrestling for entertainment (I do it now purely for the sport of it), I can still look up to people who participate in stupid activities for nothing more than my amusement. Whether it’s getting smashed in the spine with a steel chair or eating 6,000 chicken wings in under 2 hours, I can honestly I say I love you all. Please don’t ever change.

And if you do change, you know, cause you died or something, just make sure that your replacement is a dead ringer.

Dead ringer cause you’re dead – get it?

 

Your Favorite Grocery Store Chain Is In Bed With The American Meteorological Society

January 31, 2011 Leave a comment

Call me crazy, but I think there’s a massive conspiracy going on between major grocery store chains and the American Meteorological Society.

Living in Chicago it seems like we’re always one good weather prediction away from the snowstorm to end all snowstorms which sends everyone in a panic all the way to Jewel.

What people always seems to forget is the weatherman is about 20 percent accurate .000001 percent of the time. Instead everyone becomes blinded by the fact that we might get a foot of snow somehow making it impossible to leave the house again for at least one week.

It’s all about safety first since, you know, our cupboards are completely bare the other 6 days a week from not going to the grocery and instead making all those evening runs to White Castle. So as a result of our general laziness and love for fast food, now becomes the only time to grocery shop and therefore WE MUST STOCK UP ON EVERYTHING.

Won’t someone think of the children? They’re hungry and they want their deep-fried chicken rings (better make sure those are on your grocery list!).

The reality of these “blizzard predictions” is that they become a smaller version of Y2K except they happen 3-5 times every year! Now that’s no coincidence.

Here’s something else for you to consider, did you know the majority of profits an average grocery store makes in a year are made in between the months of December and March? *

Did you also know that the American Meteorological Society isn’t even a real society? **

One winter day, many years ago before any of us were born, the leader of the grocery store shadow government armed with an innovative and diabolic plan to maximize profits met with the president of the AMS at a TGIFriday’s. The pair agreed that in return for the AMS to predict weather severe enough to send the average citizen into a panic several times a winter, the grocery store shadow government would use its money and influence to help push pro-AMS propaganda to a society that at one time could all agree meteorology isn’t a science.

Now all these years later our society is so brainwashed we will watch an entire 30 minute broadcast of news the Internet already informed us about hours before just to catch a 2 minute weather “forecast” at the end of the show.

A segment that’s teased throughout the entire 30 minutes:

“You’re not going to believe the weather we will have this weekend. Will it be good or bad? Stay tuned to find out.”

“The weather this weekend is going to be terrible…or is it? Stay tuned.”

“You know those white, cold, snow-shaped things that fall from the sky might cause cancer? Stay tuned to find out what we’re talking about. Hint: it’s not snow, but it’s definitely cancer.”

The weather this weekend is going to be incredible…or is it? Stay tuned.”

Then by the time you get to the forecast some overweight white guy in a cheap suit with an ugly tie comes to let you know we might get some rain, but otherwise it will be sunny and in the upper 40s.

Oh really?

That’s why today I’m calling for a boycott of the AMS, weather forecasting and any other type of weather fortune-telling known to man. To show our solidarity we’re going to have a giant rally at grocery stores all across the country Tuesday night during “the blizzard” that has been predicted for the Midwest.

Now remember when you’re at the grocery store to not actually buy anything or the plan doesn’t work. And if you’re hungry, don’t worry, we’ll all pile in a van and go to White Castle afterwards.

Hope to see you there!

*Source missing

**Might be an actual society (a society of liars)

Categories: Essays, Main

It’s Not You, Egypt; It’s Me (Just Kidding, It’s You)

January 29, 2011 Leave a comment

Fuckin’ Egypt.

You know, I want to be angry with you, but I’d be grumpy too if we still had the same president we did in 1981.

Actually I take that back. If we still had the same president we did in ’81 it might at least be entertaining.

Good old Ronald Reagan was already starting to lose it when he was still in office. Who knows how wacked he’d be if he was still alive today?!

Now there’s a good reality show idea where the possibilities are truly endless. Someone could say, “Hey, I didn’t vote for that nut job in the White House” and be accurate.

All political incorrectness aside, that’s not the way things turned out. Reagan is dead and now we have a black president so suck on that, Egypt. Kinda makes your last 30 years seem pretty insignificant, doesn’t it?

I’m not sure how to break it to you, but America got together and we all agreed it’s time for a good old fashioned liberation (Saddam-style). Look, you had a good run, but now it’s time to get a little freedom in you.

We like our women loose and our drinks full.

We like our Big Macs with extra special sauce and we like our lettuce on the side so we can throw it away (too healthy).

Most importantly we like our oil prices low and our stocks high.

The great thing about liberating you, well for us anyway, is that your Internet doesn’t work so it’d be SUPER easy. Can you imagine if we’d have had this kind of advantage in Afghanistan or Iraq? They’d have had no way of knowing we were on our way to invade…I mean, free the people. Yes, freedom!

All liberty talk aside, as I said before, I really do feel for you, Egypt. Democracy isn’t working for you – hell, it isn’t even working for us, but you’re screwing up our bottom line and if you continue this unrest then the world gets scared, the markets get scared and my 99 cent Beefy 5 Layer Burrito with 35 percent beef will quickly become a $1.99 “Beefy” 3 Layer Burrito with 3.5 percent “beef.”

Don’t mess with my beef, Egypt.

Here’s what you gotta do. Call the following number 1-900-CIA-COUP and just keep pressing “0” until you get a live person to talk to. Within 24 hours we’ll help you stage a coup that looks like it was the people revolting against an evil dictator and President What’s-His-Face is no more.

In return all we ask is that your new president is someone who is friendly to the U.S. (we’re thinking maybe an Egyptian-American) and you help us get Charlie Sheen cleaned up. We’re dying for new episodes of Two and a Half Men over here.

Unwantingly Overheard in the Men’s Room

January 22, 2011 Leave a comment

I hate three things and today I realized they are all interrelated: I hate work, I hate pooping and I hate pooping at work.

The good majority of my work day is spent in the bathroom. Now that I think about it, I might as well be a bathroom attendant. It sounds like a pretty good job, maybe not exactly a career, but they do make tips and always have an assorted supply of condoms and bubble gum.

Really, who else can you count on but the bathroom guy to make sure your breath is minty fresh and you don’t get Chlamydia?

Sorry, I’m getting off topic. Unfortunately I am not a bathroom attendant. No, I am just a bored, white collar copy boy who spends 50 to 60 percent of his day hiding out in the bathroom.

For the record I don’t actually spend upwards of 60 percent of my day actually doing #1, #2 or even #3; nope, I’m just in there trying to pass the time. You know, Angry Birds and Twitter, Googling the meaning of life, but the grossest things seem to happen while I’m in there!

I’m sitting in the stall, minding my own business when someone decides they will come in and actually take a poo. Are you kidding me? I don’t want to hear you take a dump. I’m trying to read what the Groupon for the day is and this jackass is making sounds that are illegal in some states.

I guess it’s a small price to pay for not being at my desk and having a good excuse as to where I was when I return to my desk and find my boss frantically looking for me.

So I think we can all agree that hearing other people poop is just disgusting, but I think there are also some bathroom sounds at work that I can say I enjoy.

Maybe “enjoy” is not the word I am looking for, but if there was a word for “sweet, revengeful sounds coming from the bathroom” then I would definitely say that’s the word I’m thinking of. Let’s call it rapaslopia, all right?

So when rapaslopia happens you might say it’s awkward, but it’s that sound that gets me through the day.

You see, I’ve been at this company for just over half a year now, but I’m still a temp. My boss, as maniacal as she can be at times, is an otherwise decent (standard, okay, etc.) person. She’s trying to help me get hired full-time there, but her manager always shoots her down.

Rapaslopia is directly related to her manager, Jim.

You see, Jim has a little urination problem. Let’s put it this way, being in the bathroom at the same time as Jim is like being in a real life version of the most awkward and uncomfortable Flomax commercial you will ever see.

So when I see him and I get annoyed that this guy refuses to hire me it brings a certain amount of rapaslopia into my life to know that his prostate is so enlarged that him taking a pee is the equivalent of having a leaky faucet that is being difficult and failing at the being leaky part.

I might never get hired at this company. I actually hope that a couple of months from now I’m looking back on this and laughing that I even temporarily worked there. The future is unpredictable though so who knows. I could still be there three months from now spending 90 percent of my day hiding out in the bathroom stall.

Regardless of what happens to me, regardless of how annoying my job can be and regardless of how much of a waste of time it is every day, I am going to keep taking solace in the fact that although I don’t make much money or have health insurance, I can still pee with the best of them!

Bea Arthur, Space Whores and Wookies Circa 1978

December 17, 2010 Leave a comment

I had a life changing event happen to me this week. Something that shook me, something that I felt resonate deep in my bones, something that will forever change the way I see the world – I learned about the Star Wars Holiday Special (1978).

I realize some of you have heard of this before and I’m not telling you anything new, but I believe that for the majority of you this news is as earth shattering as those scientists finding a cure for HIV – possibly more.

The story follows Chewbacca and Han Solo as they journey to Chewbacca’s home planet so they can celebrate Life Day with Chewbacca’s wife, son and father. I don’t want to go too much into detail, but here are a few highlights:

  • Mark Hamill looking like a Barbie doll. The “special” – sorry, I just can’t bring myself to call it a “movie” – was shot right after his car accident.
  • A special performance from Jefferson Starship. I couldn’t make this nonsense up if I tried!
  • An unnecessarily long trip back to the bar where Luke and Obi Wan first met Han Solo that does nothing more than follow around the bartender, played by Bea Arthur, for about twenty solid minutes. And yes, Bea Arthur does sing with the alien band.
  • Side note about Bea Arthur: If you think she looks old now (yes, I realize she’s dead), it’s going to blow your mind how much older she looks in 1978!
  • Chewbacca’s father puts on a virtual reality headset and gets talked dirty to by some random space slut. Leave it to CBS to broadcast a special about Wookies and space smut.
  • Did I mention Bea Arthur singing with aliens?
  • And finally the reason to watch this “special” all the way through, no matter how bad you want to turn it off, is the end when Princess Leia sings lyrics over the Star Wars theme.

    It was so terrible that I’m actually surprised another Star Wars movie was made following it. The reason most of us don’t know about it is because it was only aired in its entirety once and since then George Lucas has been trying to buy up all the master copies and destroy them. Thanks to the Internet that will never happen.

    Someday I would like to get intoxicated out of my mind, maybe even drink a little paint thinner, and watch it again. I feel like it has some hidden meaning that a can of Four Loko couldn’t help me see clearly.

    So in summary, scientists used stem cells to cure HIV in a patient and while that’s cool and all, the Star Wars Holiday Special is still going to blow your mind more.

    If you still want to read more, check out the Wikipedia page.

    Categories: Essays, Main