Archive for the ‘Older Posts’ Category

They Built Our Railroads and Made Our Fireworks, Now It’s Time to Take Them Over

Originally posted February 20, 2010

Why’s everyone so worried about the US being in debt to China? We’re AMERICA. We’ll probably just invade China eventually. Debt relieved.

Seriously though, hear me out on this one. America owes China billions of dollars. At this rate we are going to eventually have to sign over the deed for America to China (if we haven’t already). Scary, huh?

I’m not going to try to get all political and point the blame at conservatives or liberals. Both sides of the fence can point fingers until arthritis ensues and believe me with the average age of the House of Representatives and the Senate it probably already has. No, I’m not going to point a finger because I am a solution man. And what’s my solution?

Invade China.

In three easy steps.

Step 1: Borrow a shit-ton of money from the Chinese. Tell them we have to bail the banks out again, I don’t know. Just get as much money as possible and forget about the national debt for a little while. Before we’re done with the Chinese that clock is going to roll over to 000,000,000,000 multiple times.

Step 2: Take all the money China gave us and use it to fund programs that America desperately needs. Healthcare overhaul? Check. Constructing the world’s most massive levees in New Orleans? Check. Pour billions of dollars into education? Check. And so on and so on.

While we’re at it, let’s just go ahead and send a chunk of this money to rebuilding Haiti. We will be rebuilding a third world country without the use of military power – the world loves us again!

What the heck, let’s even give Texas a few billion and tell them to piss off.


This is propaganda, of course. In reality Saddam Hussein had less to do with 9/11 than China, but the public doesn’t need to know this. What they need to know is that China is an immediate threat. Raise the terror level to something terrifying like purple or magenta. Panic will ensue and a future invasion will be a piece of cake.

President Obama, I’m speaking to you here specifically. American politics is extremely divided right now between the far right and the far left even though the average American is very moderate in his or her political beliefs. You ran on a campaign of change and a dream of bipartisanship where politicians could work together for the greater good of our country as a whole. This is your big chance.

The Democrats will do whatever you say so you don’t have to worry about them right now. You might have a few stragglers, but they’ll fall in line. What you have to worry about are the Republicans because no matter how good of an idea you have they want you to fail so give them what they want. And if there’s one things Republicans love it’s WAR!

The Chinese are terrorists! When they crashed those planes into the World Trade Towers in New York City it was a declaration of war. We need to invade and we need to do it now.

The Chinese helped fund 9/11 as a means to make America fight in two wars; Afghanistan and Iraq. The Chinese, knowing that America really had no long-term plans in these countries, foresaw the weakening of the American economy and China saw this as an opportunity. So they stepped in and said that we can borrow as much money as we needed, you know, just to get back on our feet again. Eventually China knew that American greed would set it and we’d borrow too much money forcing us to sign over the deed to America to the Chinese. Enter Communism.

The Chinese hate our freedom. Oh yeah, and somebody told me Osama Bin Laden has been hiding out in China and why would anyone make that up?

What’s that you say? We don’t have any evidence to back up these outrageous claims. I disagree. If our history has taught us one thing it’s that we don’t need any kind of hard evidence to invade a foreign country and overthrow its evil, anti-American government (see WMDs, Iraq, Saddam Hussein).

A few months pass and…

It wasn’t easy, but you did it. You are the proud new owner of China. Congratulations! Unfortunately they lost the user’s manual a few years back so you can look for an old copy on eBay, but you’re probably on your own at this point. China, or as it’s now called “America 2,” is all yours. The American national debt is at 0 for the first time in the history of ever. The dollar is at its strongest point and unemployment is non-existent. And don’t worry; the Chinese are still making all our baby toys and TVs.

Now that the world is once again at peace we can set our sights back to the things that really matter. We can finally form a congressional committee to find out why the last episode of Seinfeld sucked so bad. Every American will get hover boots and once and for all scientists will explain the purpose of the male nipple.

God Bless you all and good night.

Categories: Main, Older Posts

My Fear Boner

Originally posted August 9, 2009

I’d say it all started a couple of days when ago when I fired a gun for the first time. Man, was that sweet!  Anyway, it got me thinking about things I’ve never done/experienced and this is when I decided the next thing on my list was to have a paranormal experience. Most likely I want to see a ghost, but I’m open to strange occurrences I can’t explain rationally. So it was set – I am going to see a ghost somehow, someway.

During the next couple of days I thought about my new ambition a little more. One night I even watched a TV show about haunted places and it got me to thinking that maybe some of the most haunted places might be in my backyard. I googled “Haunted Chicago” and found out many places exist to visit including the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre site, the Jane Addams Hull House, and an ancient Indian burial ground. While Chicago does have its own history of the paranormal I decided it was very unlikely I would see anything at any of these locations.

So where does this leave me and how I am going to accomplish the next ridiculous task on my list of retarded things to do while I’m unemployed? The best way for me to have the experience I was looking for was to ask around and find someone who had already had one.

Last night I was at a wedding reception, full of whiskey and talking crazy so of course the topic came up.  Sure enough my friend Michelle told me that we had a mutual friend who had at one time experience the paranormal.  When I told our friend Mike about my crazy idea he tried to detour me from it. He told me that hearing something crying outside your window for hours isn’t very fun. That kind of freaked me out, but also intrigued me at the same time. Is there such thing is a fear boner? Well, if there is then I got one at that moment. Mike told me he couldn’t guarantee anything would happen, but that was I was welcome to cover at any time.

As the reception came to a close I wasn’t even thinking about ghosts anymore. Instead, visions of Ronald McDonald were dancing in my head. So after helping clean up and a quick trip through the drive-thru I was back at my friends’ place and was going to crash on their couch instead of driving back to Chicago that same night. I fell deep into a whiskey/double cheeseburger coma and was out for hours.

The bad thing is that all week long I’d been having these really intense dreams. Unfortunately last night was no different. This particular intense dream which I can only vaguely recall – something about a little girl in black chasing me with a screwdriver – caused me to immediately wake up. I’m laughing as I’m writing this because a little girl dressed in black chasing me with a screwdriver sounds funny for some reason. However, in this instance it wasn’t so funny. And when I woke up from this nightmare the first and only thing I could think about was all my talk the past couple of days about how I really wanted to see a ghost.

Let me break this down for you – I’m in an unfamiliar environment, I’m still a little drunk, I’m cold, it’s dark and I’ve become obsessed with something paranormal happening to me, but I didn’t want it to happen then! I realized at this point there was no way I was going to be able to fall back asleep without thinking about my previous nightmare so I got up at 3:44 a.m. and drove back to Chicago. Scared? Yes. Alert enough to drive? Well, at least there wouldn’t be children playing in the streets (especially not ones with screwdrivers). Still a little drunk? Possibly. Regretting the doublechee and massive amounts of freedom fries I had consumed earlier in the evening? NEVER!

I need some Ambien.

Categories: Main, Older Posts