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I wrote this almost a year ago and still feel exactly the same

July 31, 2010 1 comment

Originally posted August 10, 2009

I spent much of today thinking of something I could write about and I honestly couldn’t come up with anything interesting. Well, that’s a lie. I am developing a story idea I came up with a few years back that follows the story of George W. Bush following the terrorist attacks of 2001 who decides the only way to save America is to hire the A-Team to save the world. That’s another day though.

It was after 10 p.m. today before I realized what I should write about and then watching the Daily Show a thought I had earlier today struck me – Sarah Palin is without a doubt the stupidest person in the history of the World.

I googled “stupid” and this is the definition I got: lacking or market by lack of intellectual activity. Then I googled “dumb” and decided that stupid was a more fitting word.  I’m going to write her a letter now.

I hope she can read.

Dear Sarah Palin,

Hello. My name is Josh Cannon and I’m a registered Democrat, although you’ll be happy to hear that I am going to be changing it to Independent soon because I don’t believe in parties, I believe in people. I believe a Republican could run this country just as well as a Democrat, however in the case of the most recent elections I chose to vote for Obama.

Sorry! It’s not personal, it’s just that John McCain is a little too old and you’re a little too…well, what’s the best way to put this nicely? My dog is smarter than you and she likes to poop and then smell her poop and then try to eat the poop that she just pooped out because she can still smell the treat in it that I gave her 2 hours ago for sitting on command. Do you like treats?

What I’m trying to say is you were the Governor of Alaska and you resigned so you could “help” America by writing notes on your Facebook page.

Top 5 Ways to Improve America (the way I see it according to you):

5. Talking to ‘America’ at your kid’s soccer game
4. Fox News
3. Commenting on your kids Facebook Status
2. Fox News
1. Facebook notes

And what didn’t make the list? And just short of #5…being governor of Alaska!

I know it was probably a really tough job. I know it probably was really not fun to have to get up that early every day, put on your Sunday best and talk about the problems facing a state that could be invaded by Russia at anytime. After all, the Russians were only a look out your front window away. I know you’d probably rather have been out playing hopscotch and running lemonade stands, but you chose to accept the position of governor instead. What a bummer!

Well good news, you quit that job. YAY! When the tough got tougher, you said, ‘screw it, I can do this job in my designer PJs while I’m at home watching Fox News.’ You quit a job that at any given time only 50 people in the entire country have. 50!

Congratulations, you’re an idiot.

Basically you went from being 1 of the 50 mostpowerful and influential people in the entire country to just being another mom whose kids are probably embarrassed she is on Facebook. You write notes about how Obama is destroying the country that you could be help running, but you quit your job.

There should be a reality show on the Discovery Health Channel like, “The 4,000 Pound Man” or “73-Year-Old Virgin,” but this show will be about the depths of mental retardation and here’s the kicker – it’s about you!

I’m not trying to get crazy political here. I don’t want to talk about healthcare or recessions. All I want to say is you had your chance and you quit. You have the opportunity that millions of people will only dream of having and you quit. If you think there’s something wrong with America then you should have done something about it when you had the chance and you quit.

You’re also a total GILF. Call me!

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Categories: Main, Open Letters

Updates

Look at that! I’m actually posting stuff on this site.

Weird, huh? I’m just as surprised by my lack of slackerness as you are. Just wanted to bring you up to date. I’ve added a couple of things. There is now a menu on the side of the page so you can navigate around. I’ve also added some links to some friend’s sites in hopes that they’ll add my site to their’s – WINK WINK.

I also added a January Jones section. You’re welcome.

Categories: Main, Open Letters

An Open Letter to Rod Blagojevich

Hey Rod!

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you have to be the dumbest criminal in the game. I want you to know that I’m here to help. You see the problem is that we just grew up in different times.

When you were my age criminals much like yourself were just starting to figure out this whole FBI-thing.  I grew up watching movies like The Godfather and Goodfellas and shows like The Sopranos. In other words, I think I know a thing or two you don’t.

I’ve been following your trial very closely these last few weeks and the prosecution has a pretty sound case – we’ll get to how to fix that in a moment – but for right now let’s focus on how you can commit future crimes and never have to deal with these pesky indictments. When this is all over you’ll be able to go out and spend $800,000 on clothes and the public won’t be able to say a word.

So here, I’m going to give you a lesson in being a successful criminal. You know, things I learned from watching television.

Rule #1: You don’t ever, ever, ever, under any circumstances, ever, ever, never, never, ever talk on the phone.

It’s that simple. I’m actually surprised you didn’t know this one already. Even if you’re not a fan of mafia movies, you have to have to seen at least one episode of Judge Judy or some other lowbrow courtroom television show. Crap on crutch! They used to have (or still do) an entire network devoted to this stuff, Court TV. I’ve seen that mansion you live in. We all know you have satellite TV with about every station imaginable to man.

Rule #2: You don’t ever, ever, ever, under any circumstances, ever, ever, never, never, ever talk on the phone.

I just really want to drive this issue home with you because I’m not 100 percent convinced it’s gotten through that thing on your head and into your brain. Besides, having the first rule repeated for the second rule worked really well for Fight Club (probably another movie you’ve never seen). All you really need to know is – there’s no such thing as Fight Club.

Rule #3: Have a fall person, someone who you can pin all these on if the heat’s really coming down on you.

I’d recommend maybe your wife. Her name’s been mentioned in this trial almost as much as yours has been mentioned. Plus juries always to want to believe there is some elaborate conspiracy and that this thing goes much deeper than any of them know. These poor people on the jury can’t watch TV or get any form of modern entertainment because they might risk hearing something that might be further incriminating to you (Christopher Kelly, for example).

Mafia bosses have consiglieres. This is basically like your right-hand man, but the difference between the mafia and all the schemes you have been running is your consigliere needs to be someone who you can trust. You will have your occasional Sammy the Bull and there’s really no way to predict that, but these clowns you’ve got testifying against you right now probably wouldn’t pass a mafia character test.

If you have any more questions about this please refer to The Godfather parts 1 and 2. The Godfather 3 does not exist so don’t even bother watching it.

Rule #4: This is along the lines of never talking on the phone, but since you weren’t smart enough to know that from the get go I feel like I have to hit this other, somewhat related point – don’t ever write anything down.

The point I’m trying to make her is there should be no paper trail (this includes telephone calls). It should always be someone’s word against your’s and we all know how great your word is. Don’t write anything down. Don’t talk on the phone. Don’t Twitter it. Don’t talk to reporters. Don’t talk to your friends. As a matter of fact, just lock yourself in a room and pray to God, Allah, L. Ron Hubbard, whoever, that you somehow have a crooked enough lawyer to get away with these crimes that you have so obviously commited.

Rule #5: When all else has failed start bribing and/or murdering jury members.

In your case it’s probably best to stick to murdering. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but in your situation murder is probably safer. At this point this is the only way you’re going to get a “not guilty” verdict. Notice I said not guilty. I didn’t say innocent because there’s not one person in this universe who thinks you didn’t do it.

Good luck!!

Yours in criminal insanity,

Josh

Categories: Main, Open Letters

Testing. Testing.

Herrrooooo.

First off I just want to apologize that this site currently looks like something a third grader upchucked on. I’ve been a little distracted with the news that Hollywood’s beloved Lindsay Lohan will be shipping off to jail sooner than any of us thought. To be honest the whole thing has me slightly aroused, but that’s another story.

This site will most likely look like this for a while, but will eventually (cross your fingers) improve. In the meantime you can read my Twitter updates or leave this site to go read more about Lindsay Lohan at TMZ.com. And if you’re creative you can do both at the same time, but ultimately the choice is yours.

Once this site does get going it will be updated daily with things I write or things from other sites that I think you can’t live without hearing. If you take nothing else from this, please just know that I am a writer and I need my ego stroked as much as possible. So if you eventually find this site to be entertaining please tell your friends, but most importantly tell me.

-Josh

Categories: Main, Open Letters