It’s Not You, Egypt; It’s Me (Just Kidding, It’s You)

January 29, 2011 Leave a comment

Fuckin’ Egypt.

You know, I want to be angry with you, but I’d be grumpy too if we still had the same president we did in 1981.

Actually I take that back. If we still had the same president we did in ’81 it might at least be entertaining.

Good old Ronald Reagan was already starting to lose it when he was still in office. Who knows how wacked he’d be if he was still alive today?!

Now there’s a good reality show idea where the possibilities are truly endless. Someone could say, “Hey, I didn’t vote for that nut job in the White House” and be accurate.

All political incorrectness aside, that’s not the way things turned out. Reagan is dead and now we have a black president so suck on that, Egypt. Kinda makes your last 30 years seem pretty insignificant, doesn’t it?

I’m not sure how to break it to you, but America got together and we all agreed it’s time for a good old fashioned liberation (Saddam-style). Look, you had a good run, but now it’s time to get a little freedom in you.

We like our women loose and our drinks full.

We like our Big Macs with extra special sauce and we like our lettuce on the side so we can throw it away (too healthy).

Most importantly we like our oil prices low and our stocks high.

The great thing about liberating you, well for us anyway, is that your Internet doesn’t work so it’d be SUPER easy. Can you imagine if we’d have had this kind of advantage in Afghanistan or Iraq? They’d have had no way of knowing we were on our way to invade…I mean, free the people. Yes, freedom!

All liberty talk aside, as I said before, I really do feel for you, Egypt. Democracy isn’t working for you – hell, it isn’t even working for us, but you’re screwing up our bottom line and if you continue this unrest then the world gets scared, the markets get scared and my 99 cent Beefy 5 Layer Burrito with 35 percent beef will quickly become a $1.99 “Beefy” 3 Layer Burrito with 3.5 percent “beef.”

Don’t mess with my beef, Egypt.

Here’s what you gotta do. Call the following number 1-900-CIA-COUP and just keep pressing “0” until you get a live person to talk to. Within 24 hours we’ll help you stage a coup that looks like it was the people revolting against an evil dictator and President What’s-His-Face is no more.

In return all we ask is that your new president is someone who is friendly to the U.S. (we’re thinking maybe an Egyptian-American) and you help us get Charlie Sheen cleaned up. We’re dying for new episodes of Two and a Half Men over here.


Unwantingly Overheard in the Men’s Room

January 22, 2011 Leave a comment

I hate three things and today I realized they are all interrelated: I hate work, I hate pooping and I hate pooping at work.

The good majority of my work day is spent in the bathroom. Now that I think about it, I might as well be a bathroom attendant. It sounds like a pretty good job, maybe not exactly a career, but they do make tips and always have an assorted supply of condoms and bubble gum.

Really, who else can you count on but the bathroom guy to make sure your breath is minty fresh and you don’t get Chlamydia?

Sorry, I’m getting off topic. Unfortunately I am not a bathroom attendant. No, I am just a bored, white collar copy boy who spends 50 to 60 percent of his day hiding out in the bathroom.

For the record I don’t actually spend upwards of 60 percent of my day actually doing #1, #2 or even #3; nope, I’m just in there trying to pass the time. You know, Angry Birds and Twitter, Googling the meaning of life, but the grossest things seem to happen while I’m in there!

I’m sitting in the stall, minding my own business when someone decides they will come in and actually take a poo. Are you kidding me? I don’t want to hear you take a dump. I’m trying to read what the Groupon for the day is and this jackass is making sounds that are illegal in some states.

I guess it’s a small price to pay for not being at my desk and having a good excuse as to where I was when I return to my desk and find my boss frantically looking for me.

So I think we can all agree that hearing other people poop is just disgusting, but I think there are also some bathroom sounds at work that I can say I enjoy.

Maybe “enjoy” is not the word I am looking for, but if there was a word for “sweet, revengeful sounds coming from the bathroom” then I would definitely say that’s the word I’m thinking of. Let’s call it rapaslopia, all right?

So when rapaslopia happens you might say it’s awkward, but it’s that sound that gets me through the day.

You see, I’ve been at this company for just over half a year now, but I’m still a temp. My boss, as maniacal as she can be at times, is an otherwise decent (standard, okay, etc.) person. She’s trying to help me get hired full-time there, but her manager always shoots her down.

Rapaslopia is directly related to her manager, Jim.

You see, Jim has a little urination problem. Let’s put it this way, being in the bathroom at the same time as Jim is like being in a real life version of the most awkward and uncomfortable Flomax commercial you will ever see.

So when I see him and I get annoyed that this guy refuses to hire me it brings a certain amount of rapaslopia into my life to know that his prostate is so enlarged that him taking a pee is the equivalent of having a leaky faucet that is being difficult and failing at the being leaky part.

I might never get hired at this company. I actually hope that a couple of months from now I’m looking back on this and laughing that I even temporarily worked there. The future is unpredictable though so who knows. I could still be there three months from now spending 90 percent of my day hiding out in the bathroom stall.

Regardless of what happens to me, regardless of how annoying my job can be and regardless of how much of a waste of time it is every day, I am going to keep taking solace in the fact that although I don’t make much money or have health insurance, I can still pee with the best of them!

Bea Arthur, Space Whores and Wookies Circa 1978

December 17, 2010 Leave a comment

I had a life changing event happen to me this week. Something that shook me, something that I felt resonate deep in my bones, something that will forever change the way I see the world – I learned about the Star Wars Holiday Special (1978).

I realize some of you have heard of this before and I’m not telling you anything new, but I believe that for the majority of you this news is as earth shattering as those scientists finding a cure for HIV – possibly more.

The story follows Chewbacca and Han Solo as they journey to Chewbacca’s home planet so they can celebrate Life Day with Chewbacca’s wife, son and father. I don’t want to go too much into detail, but here are a few highlights:

  • Mark Hamill looking like a Barbie doll. The “special” – sorry, I just can’t bring myself to call it a “movie” – was shot right after his car accident.
  • A special performance from Jefferson Starship. I couldn’t make this nonsense up if I tried!
  • An unnecessarily long trip back to the bar where Luke and Obi Wan first met Han Solo that does nothing more than follow around the bartender, played by Bea Arthur, for about twenty solid minutes. And yes, Bea Arthur does sing with the alien band.
  • Side note about Bea Arthur: If you think she looks old now (yes, I realize she’s dead), it’s going to blow your mind how much older she looks in 1978!
  • Chewbacca’s father puts on a virtual reality headset and gets talked dirty to by some random space slut. Leave it to CBS to broadcast a special about Wookies and space smut.
  • Did I mention Bea Arthur singing with aliens?
  • And finally the reason to watch this “special” all the way through, no matter how bad you want to turn it off, is the end when Princess Leia sings lyrics over the Star Wars theme.

    It was so terrible that I’m actually surprised another Star Wars movie was made following it. The reason most of us don’t know about it is because it was only aired in its entirety once and since then George Lucas has been trying to buy up all the master copies and destroy them. Thanks to the Internet that will never happen.

    Someday I would like to get intoxicated out of my mind, maybe even drink a little paint thinner, and watch it again. I feel like it has some hidden meaning that a can of Four Loko couldn’t help me see clearly.

    So in summary, scientists used stem cells to cure HIV in a patient and while that’s cool and all, the Star Wars Holiday Special is still going to blow your mind more.

    If you still want to read more, check out the Wikipedia page.

    Categories: Essays, Main

    Hey! Look! Porn! [Not Actually Porn]

    November 16, 2010 Leave a comment

    You know what’s great about America?


    You know what else is great about America?

    You can eat breakfast any time of the day.

    Probably the most awesome thing about America is the Internet and all the freedom it really does allow.

    Maybe you need to vent about how bad of an experience you had at a local restaurant. Just get on and vent to your heart’s content. Or maybe you want to chat with your friend 4,000 miles away. Gchat!

    Then there is also the more, um, questionable side of Internet freedoms.

    Is your favorite bands new album really as bad as everyone is saying? Lucky for you websites exist where you can download it (for free) and check it out. Now your favorite band might not like this, but why pay $12 for a CD you don’t like?

    You can’t return CDs. Believe me, I’ve tried.

    And then there’s porn…okay, you knew that’s where this was going.

    Internet porn is one of those quiet freedoms the vast majority have enjoyed at one time or another, but maybe we don’t admit it as easily as we admit our love of the latest Lolcats.

    Look at this way, Long John Silvers has been in business since 1969. That’s over 40 years! Now ask yourself this, do you actually know anyone who willingly admits to eating there? Maybe one or two of us do, but the majority will deny it’s crunchy, seafoody goodness. Internet porn isn’t that much different.

    Enter Chicago lawyer John Steele. Hey, that kinda sounds like a porn name (unfortunately it’s not)!
    Steele is going to make you fess up to ordering those extra-crispy chicken planks and lobster bites you love so much.
    He’s suing thousands of people on behalf of porn companies who say they’re losing money to Internet piracy. What’s crazy is the basic freedoms he’s encroaching on to do so.

    So you download porn and get caught by Steele because your Internet service provider gives you up like some sort of felon on the run. Steele’s such a nice guy that he will send you a letter letting you know that if you just pay a small fine (anywhere from $1,900 to $3,000) your name will not mentioned in the lawsuit and your parents will never find out that one time you downloaded a Jenna Jameson video.

    Nice guy, huh?

    Wait a second. What’s that word I’m thinking of? Oh yeah – blackmail.

    Blackmail: “extortion of money by threats to divulge discrediting information.” (Thank you, Google)

    Here’s the problem with piracy at its very root. It is one person sharing their property with another person. In the case of the Internet it’s one person sharing their property with millions of other people.The bottom line is someone, somewhere at sometime owned the product in question. Probably.

    Why shouldn’t I be able to burn a copy of a DVD for a friend?
    Are you going to sue me for making my lady friend a mix CD, too?

    This is America, dammit!

    The bottom line is porn, the music industry and the movie industry say they are losing money to piracy.

    You know what they’re really losing money to? Poor, over-priced products.

    There’s a reason my generation downloads so much!

    First off, there’s way too much to buy and it costs way too much. And secondly, the rest of the products you make are so terrible that you should be given a fine for not realizing how stupid you were to make them in the first place.

    Hollywood, do we really need a Saw 7? Oh maybe you should make a prequel to The Godfather.

    We all have downloaded, do download and will download again whether it’s porn, Devo’s greatest hits or that latest episode of The Office. You can’t police the Internet. It’s impossible.

    Eventually they’re going to have to either ban the Internet or learn to accept the fact that sharing with others is something our parents have taught us to do since we were little.

    McDonalds Finally Let Me Down

    November 11, 2010 Leave a comment

    Recently I tried my first ever McRib and, in a word, it was McDisappointing.

    Seriously, McDonalds? You put a cheap slab of pork between two bland slices of bread and topped it with pickles, onions and the worst barbecue sauce I’ve ever had.

    Okay the pickles were kinda good, but it’s not called a McPickle. Come to think of it, why isn’t there a McPickle?

    More on the McPickle later.

    You know, I think what hurts the worst is that for years I’ve fantasized about the McRib. It’s always coming and going and I never know when to expect it again. Every time I get around to trying one is about the time it makes its return trip to Never Never Land along with Peter Pan and the tooth fairy. What hurts so bad is that the tooth fairy, Peter Pan and Never Never Land aren’t real, but the McRib is.

    In its defense, until I had one I considered the McRib to be legendary. Quick sidebar: I will define anything as “legendary” if there is an entire Simpsons episodes dedicated to it.

    I guess it’s possible my expectations were just too high. I always thought of the McRib in the same light as the chicken/turkey legs Fred Flintstone would eat on the Flintstones. Bear with me.

    I pictured the McRib just like a perfectly seasoned, giant piece of meat on a prehistoric bone. A bone likely belonging to a Raptor or Dodo bird. Didn’t you?

    Maybe the McRib is so subpar because it neither comes on a bone nor is made of an extinct animal. Of course, we can’t go around using this as a quality guide for everything (even though we probably should).

    I realize that some people don’t have as high of expectations for McDonalds as I do so try to think about it this way: remember your first McDonalds cheeseburger?

    Remember its golden brown buns, its perfectly melted cheese and its perfect balance of ketchup, onions, pickles and mustard?

    Now think about eating a McDonalds cheeseburger today. Tastes the exact same, doesn’t it?

    Based on this, wouldn’t you expect the same quality out of all McDonalds food? Especially a certain sandwich that only shows up for a limited time and then leaves us all cold and alone?

    Well you know what Ronald? You can make it better! I know you can!

    Here’s my advice: go somewhere and have a taste of some real ribs. No, Chili’s doesn’t count. I’m a little surprised you don’t know what good ribs taste like. After all your lips are red although I never considered that they would be red from anything other than barbecue sauce.

    Now go back to your McKitchen (see what I did there?) and make your own version. Get some good barbecue sauce, load it up with food additives so it never deteriorates and add a pint of salt. TA-DA! You now have a (good) McRib!

    You’re welcome.


    PS – Don’t forget what I said about the McPickle!

    Categories: Essays, Main

    My 5-Year Plan to Run the Chicago Marathon

    October 15, 2010 1 comment


    Another Chicago Marathon has come and gone. For some reason this year’s got me thinking: hey, I should run a marathon!
    Why not? The ancient Greeks completed marathons all the time and they didn’t even know how to use e-mail.
    Well I know how to use e-mail and I also have two legs. Suck it, Greece.
    How hard can it be? Put on some tight shorts, go for a jog (pronounced yog) and get free beer (pronounced awesome) at the end of the race.
    Now I may be an extremely impulsive person but even I know that preparing for a marathon isn’t something to be taken lightly. That’s why I’ve developed a 5-year plan in order to properly prepare myself for all the glory that ultimately awaits me. Here are the goals I need to set for myself and the way I see things breaking down over the next several years before 2016.

    2011 – Give up Dunkin Donuts

    Giving up Dunkin Donuts will be an essential part of 2011 and it will help get my 5-year plan headed in the right path. Obviously we’re starting with the most difficult task to overcome in preparation for any Olympic-style event. I’m sure the Lance Armstrong of marathons – whoever that is – will tell you the same thing. Eliminating Dunkin Donuts is the only way to succeed.
    So in summary, in 2011 I will say bye-bye to Dunkin Donuts. For the record I’ll keep eating Dunkin Donuts, but I’ll just be eating less of it. Also, I will not actually start exercising or eating healthy. I will just give up Dunkin Donuts by December 31, 2011.

    2012 – Spend Some Quality Time Outdoors

    Last time I checked marathons no longer took place indoors so I might as well get used to the outdoors and all it has to offer; unless it’s raining or snowing. Basically I won’t go outside if it looks uncomfortable, but the rest of the days of the year I will do my best to turn off the TV and spend some quality time with Mother Nature.
    I will not enjoy this because I’ll probably just be fantasizing about Dunkin Donuts the whole time, but I’m going to do it because I am committed to running this marathon by 2016.

    Resolution Revision: I turn 30 this year so it’s probably safe to assume I’m going to get depressed mid-Summer and give up on this resolution. So let’s just say my goal is to spend more time outdoors the first five months of 2012.

    2013 – Give up Dunkin Donuts Part 2

    I was doing so well until early December 2012. That’s when I was reminded the Mayans predicted the end of the world on December 12, 2012. I decided that if I only had a few weeks to live I was going to live it up. Heavy amounts of Dunkin Donuts were consumed – and all indoors – thus throwing out all the moderate-to-hard work I had semi-accomplished in the two previous years.
    2013 will be a year of daily New Year’s resolutions to recoup the lost time. Note: I have still not started exercising or eating healthy by this point.

    2014 – Start Eating Healthy

    Eating healthy will probably come as a more difficult task than the exercising has to this point. Luckily I have a heart attack in February 2014 and my doctor tells me that if I don’t stop eating fried, fatty foods might arteries will clog up to the point of destruction. Also, my heart will explode and as a result I will die. I decide to listen to my doctor while still sneaking in the occasional trip to the West Coast (and/or Texas) for an In-N-Out burger.
    I have a second heart attack this year, but I get better.

    2015 – Nintendo Comes Out With a New Game That Allows Me to Practice Running Indoors (Finally)

    Thank God. I’m in my mid 30s now and there’s finally a video game that makes exercise cool. Did it really have to take you so long, Nintendo? People are dieing and for so many years you were too focused on how you were going to reboot the Kirby game.
    By the way, the new Kirby game is awesome.
    I’m finally developing healthy eating habits and a regular exercise routine. 2016 Chicago Marathon, here I come! 



    As I was finishing this article I learned a marathon is actually over 26 miles and not as simple as a light morning job as I had previously thought. I’d just like to take this opportunity to announce I will not be running a marathon now. Sorry for the confusion.

    Categories: Essays, Main

    Raw Deal – The Best Movie Arnold Ever Made?

    October 2, 2010 Leave a comment

    Sometimes I have difficulty following through with these ridiculous things I write about. I always have plenty of ideas, but sometimes it’s not so easy to make sense of them using what some people refer to as “sentences.”

    As the week goes on I start to feel the pressure to produce something. Finally a week passes and I still haven’t written anything. This week I was starting to get down on myself and then something magical happened as I was surfing through the new movies on Netflix instant play.

    I came across this 1986 classic I’ve never heard of called Raw Deal starring one of the greatest actors of our time, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

    Hey do you think “trigger” is slang for his wang?

    Go ahead, read the synopsis. You know you want to:

    As the Chicago Mafia attempts to murder witnesses who could incriminate them in court, Mark Kaminsky (Arnold Schwarzenegger), a former FBI agent, sets out to infiltrate the organization and root out the assassins — including ruthless mob leader Luigi Patrovita. But there’s more to this mission than justice: Patrovita killed the son of Kaminsky’s old FBI friend, Harry Shannon, who wants revenge.”

    – Netflix

    The first question, and probably most obvious, that comes to mind is: How did this movie not ruin Schwarzenegger’s career?

    Then I remembered this is the same guy that made Junior. Besides, you can define “career” many different ways.

    I’m not sure who got the more raw deal on this one – Arnold for having to star in this movie or the American public for (I’m assuming) having to watch it.

    The other major question I had was: How have I never seen what is probably the awesomest movie ever made?

    And if not the awesomest, it’s definitely up there with Cobra (I got an attitude problem, but “just a little one”) and Major Rock (the softcore, Army Major fighting for truth, justice and the American babe).

    So many questions come to mind like how does an Austrian-born weight lifter/actor with a terrible English accent infiltrate the very Italian Chicago mafia?

    Through the use of excessive violence and a slicked back haircut. Duh.

    This movie is awesomesly bad and it’s currently streaming on Netflix. Stop wasting your time reading this blog and go watch this movie!

    Need some more enticement? Here are some classic quotes from Raw Deal:

    Tell him I’m the pain in the Nazi’s ass.” (He may or may not have said “Nazi” but it sure sounded like it)

    You see, in Miami you can tell everything by the flow of the blow.”

    It’s nice to be one of the family.”

    What do you think I look like, Dirty Harry?”

    You should not drink and bake.”

    You gave me a raw deal.”

    This is what you’re gonna look like dead.”

    I hope you’re your mother’s only child.”