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Posts Tagged ‘america’

WikiLeaks: Hoorayforme Edition

March 2, 2011 2 comments

Interoffice memos leaked from January 2010 until March 2011 show how poorly major companies in corporate America are managing the recession.

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Tuesday January 12, 2010 11:00 a.m.

Subject: Please put in all the extra effort you can to make sure the company’s a success. Remember when the company succeeds, you succeed

Attention All Full-Time Employees,

While over-time has currently been cut, employees are encouraged to go that extra step and put in a few extra hours a week. If we all work diligently together and put in that extra effort our company is known for then we will power right through this recession.
We live in an era where the national unemployment rate is hovering around 10 percent, but fortunately for you, you are employed. Work hard and you will see the rewards in yourself and in the company you work for.

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February Thursday 25, 2010 2:59 p.m.

Subject: New mandatory overtime

Attention All Full-Time Employees,

Effective Monday March 1, 2010, all employees are required to work an additional 5 hours of overtime on top of their normal 40 hour per week schedule until further notice.
Questions or comments should be directed to your managers or Human Resources department, but only after work hours.

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Friday February 26, 2010 5 p.m.

Subject: Re: new mandatory overtime

Attention All Part-Time Employees,

Congratulations you have all been promoted to full-time employees because we like to think of our employees as one autonomous unit.
Until further notice you will not receive a pay increase, benefits or pay beyond your normal 15-20 hours, but will now be required to work 40 hours. Please plan accordingly.
Have a great weekend!

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Wednesday May 5, 2010 9:46 a.m.

Subject: Employees are no longer allowed to feel stressed, overwhelmed and/or take breaks during work hours

Attention All Employees,

Due to recent layoffs, our company no longer employs enough staff to get all the normal work done in a day. As a result of these circumstances we’re instructing all employees to limit breaks of all kinds including lunch breaks, smoke breaks and normal break breaks.
Just keep working and do not stop working.
This is not a violation of your rights as you signed those rights away when you were hired.
Employees will not be permitted to file grievances because this is a non-union company.
Also, we fired the entire Human Resources department and replaced them with a new coffee maker. This was for your benefit.

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Wednesday May 5, 2010 10:15 a.m.

Subject: Employees are now responsible for repayment of the new coffee maker

Attention All Employees,

Due to an accounting error, the company will not able to pay for the new coffee maker. Five dollars will be deducted from each employee’s paycheck retroactively from January 1, 2011 until the new coffee maker is paid for (projected pay-off date: January 1, 2030).
Please do not come to your managers with complaints about the company’s new policy as they are too overwhelmed to deal with anyone else being overwhelmed.

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Monday November 22, 2010 12:35 p.m.

Subject: To pay for high-level corporate bonuses this year, all lower level employees salaries will be cut 15 percent

Attention All Employees,

In addition to repayment of the coffee maker, we are going to need to buckle down as a company and help each other out. That’s why effective immediately all lower level employees will be required to take a mandatory 15 percent pay cut.
If you have to ask yourself if you are a lower level employee then the answer is yes.

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Tuesday November 23, 2010 3:00 p.m.

Subject: Thanksgiving Vacation

Attention All Employees,

It is not mandatory, but it is highly recommended for those employees who value their jobs to come in to work for the remainder of the week. You can celebrate Thanksgiving next week. It’s not like it’s going anywhere.

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Friday December 24, 2010 4:58 p.m.

Subject: Mandatory Saturday hours

Attention All Employees,

Please be advised that this coming Saturday December 25 is a mandatory Saturday for all employees.
Where is your savior now?

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Wednesday February 23, 2011 1:15 p.m.

Subject: Layoffs

Attention All Employees,

Most of you are fired while some are not. For further information on this, contact the Human Resources department.
For those of you who have not been released and are currently a high level employee you can expect to receive your bonus on the third Thursday of this month.

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Kids and Heroes

February 7, 2011 Leave a comment

When I was a kid I watched wrestling a ton. WWF, baby. Hulk Hogan, Bushwacker Twins, Legion of Doom, the Ultimate Warrior, Jake “the Snake” Roberts, Rick Flair and Rod “Roddy” Piper. Now these are some real heroes.

I feel bad for kids growing up today with “heroes” like Edward Cullen, Justin Bieber and Snooki. What have these people taught kids other than it’s okay for vampires to be gay; having talent doesn’t matter as long as you have Rod Blagojevich hair; and – well, I forgot, what does Snooki do again?

Wrestlers taught me to have pride in America. Hacksaw Jim Dugan always waved around an American flag everywhere he went. If I learned one thing from Hacksaw it’s that you don’t question a 40-year-old man wearing only blue underwear who carries around a 2×4 and an American Flag.

I had a friend when I was 12 and every time I’d go over to his house I remember his dad sitting in the la-z boy just wearing his tighty whiteys watching television. You might call that white trash, but I call it patriotic.

Extreme love for America aside, there was always one wrestler who stuck in my mind: the Ultimate Warrior. In retrospect I really don’t know why I remembered him as my favorite, but I think the fact that he always ran to the stage and wore face paint really appealed to me.

If you remember the Ultimate Warrior you probably also remember hearing rumors about how he died and was replaced with a look alike something like 10 times which got me thinking – I wonder how many times this has happened with the Man Vs Food host?

You can’t deny Adam Richman of his hero status, but after watching five episodes of that show you and I both know there is no way this is the original Adam Richman. I’m thinking this is more like Adam Richman #6 or #7.

So here’s to you, Adam Richman #s 1-4. You were really the greatest and most Adam-esque of the Adams. Your later counterparts Adam Richman #s 5-7 have really put on the pounds – and I refuse to believe a person who participates in eating challenges for a living is overweight.

Case and point: watch any hot dog eating contest. Those people weigh less than 100 pounds!

Look, it doesn’t make sense to me either, but I just chuck it up to science. Science being something like metabolism, another thing I don’t understand.

I’m just glad that all these years later while I no longer watch wrestling for entertainment (I do it now purely for the sport of it), I can still look up to people who participate in stupid activities for nothing more than my amusement. Whether it’s getting smashed in the spine with a steel chair or eating 6,000 chicken wings in under 2 hours, I can honestly I say I love you all. Please don’t ever change.

And if you do change, you know, cause you died or something, just make sure that your replacement is a dead ringer.

Dead ringer cause you’re dead – get it?

 

Hey! Look! Porn! [Not Actually Porn]

November 16, 2010 Leave a comment

You know what’s great about America?

Freedom.

You know what else is great about America?

You can eat breakfast any time of the day.

Probably the most awesome thing about America is the Internet and all the freedom it really does allow.

Maybe you need to vent about how bad of an experience you had at a local restaurant. Just get on Yelp.com and vent to your heart’s content. Or maybe you want to chat with your friend 4,000 miles away. Gchat!

Then there is also the more, um, questionable side of Internet freedoms.

Is your favorite bands new album really as bad as everyone is saying? Lucky for you websites exist where you can download it (for free) and check it out. Now your favorite band might not like this, but why pay $12 for a CD you don’t like?

You can’t return CDs. Believe me, I’ve tried.

And then there’s porn…okay, you knew that’s where this was going.

Internet porn is one of those quiet freedoms the vast majority have enjoyed at one time or another, but maybe we don’t admit it as easily as we admit our love of the latest Lolcats.

Look at this way, Long John Silvers has been in business since 1969. That’s over 40 years! Now ask yourself this, do you actually know anyone who willingly admits to eating there? Maybe one or two of us do, but the majority will deny it’s crunchy, seafoody goodness. Internet porn isn’t that much different.

Enter Chicago lawyer John Steele. Hey, that kinda sounds like a porn name (unfortunately it’s not)!
Steele is going to make you fess up to ordering those extra-crispy chicken planks and lobster bites you love so much.
He’s suing thousands of people on behalf of porn companies who say they’re losing money to Internet piracy. What’s crazy is the basic freedoms he’s encroaching on to do so.

So you download porn and get caught by Steele because your Internet service provider gives you up like some sort of felon on the run. Steele’s such a nice guy that he will send you a letter letting you know that if you just pay a small fine (anywhere from $1,900 to $3,000) your name will not mentioned in the lawsuit and your parents will never find out that one time you downloaded a Jenna Jameson video.

Nice guy, huh?

Wait a second. What’s that word I’m thinking of? Oh yeah – blackmail.

Blackmail: “extortion of money by threats to divulge discrediting information.” (Thank you, Google)

Here’s the problem with piracy at its very root. It is one person sharing their property with another person. In the case of the Internet it’s one person sharing their property with millions of other people.The bottom line is someone, somewhere at sometime owned the product in question. Probably.

Why shouldn’t I be able to burn a copy of a DVD for a friend?
Are you going to sue me for making my lady friend a mix CD, too?

This is America, dammit!

The bottom line is porn, the music industry and the movie industry say they are losing money to piracy.

You know what they’re really losing money to? Poor, over-priced products.

There’s a reason my generation downloads so much!

First off, there’s way too much to buy and it costs way too much. And secondly, the rest of the products you make are so terrible that you should be given a fine for not realizing how stupid you were to make them in the first place.

Hollywood, do we really need a Saw 7? Oh maybe you should make a prequel to The Godfather.

We all have downloaded, do download and will download again whether it’s porn, Devo’s greatest hits or that latest episode of The Office. You can’t police the Internet. It’s impossible.

Eventually they’re going to have to either ban the Internet or learn to accept the fact that sharing with others is something our parents have taught us to do since we were little.