Posts Tagged ‘Blago’

Kids and Heroes

February 7, 2011 Leave a comment

When I was a kid I watched wrestling a ton. WWF, baby. Hulk Hogan, Bushwacker Twins, Legion of Doom, the Ultimate Warrior, Jake “the Snake” Roberts, Rick Flair and Rod “Roddy” Piper. Now these are some real heroes.

I feel bad for kids growing up today with “heroes” like Edward Cullen, Justin Bieber and Snooki. What have these people taught kids other than it’s okay for vampires to be gay; having talent doesn’t matter as long as you have Rod Blagojevich hair; and – well, I forgot, what does Snooki do again?

Wrestlers taught me to have pride in America. Hacksaw Jim Dugan always waved around an American flag everywhere he went. If I learned one thing from Hacksaw it’s that you don’t question a 40-year-old man wearing only blue underwear who carries around a 2×4 and an American Flag.

I had a friend when I was 12 and every time I’d go over to his house I remember his dad sitting in the la-z boy just wearing his tighty whiteys watching television. You might call that white trash, but I call it patriotic.

Extreme love for America aside, there was always one wrestler who stuck in my mind: the Ultimate Warrior. In retrospect I really don’t know why I remembered him as my favorite, but I think the fact that he always ran to the stage and wore face paint really appealed to me.

If you remember the Ultimate Warrior you probably also remember hearing rumors about how he died and was replaced with a look alike something like 10 times which got me thinking – I wonder how many times this has happened with the Man Vs Food host?

You can’t deny Adam Richman of his hero status, but after watching five episodes of that show you and I both know there is no way this is the original Adam Richman. I’m thinking this is more like Adam Richman #6 or #7.

So here’s to you, Adam Richman #s 1-4. You were really the greatest and most Adam-esque of the Adams. Your later counterparts Adam Richman #s 5-7 have really put on the pounds – and I refuse to believe a person who participates in eating challenges for a living is overweight.

Case and point: watch any hot dog eating contest. Those people weigh less than 100 pounds!

Look, it doesn’t make sense to me either, but I just chuck it up to science. Science being something like metabolism, another thing I don’t understand.

I’m just glad that all these years later while I no longer watch wrestling for entertainment (I do it now purely for the sport of it), I can still look up to people who participate in stupid activities for nothing more than my amusement. Whether it’s getting smashed in the spine with a steel chair or eating 6,000 chicken wings in under 2 hours, I can honestly I say I love you all. Please don’t ever change.

And if you do change, you know, cause you died or something, just make sure that your replacement is a dead ringer.

Dead ringer cause you’re dead – get it?



If Lying to the FBI is a crime then consider me Rod Blagojevich

August 21, 2010 Leave a comment

Now I’m no doctor. I’m not a scientist. I don’t know much about history either, but I do know that Rod Blagojevich getting off this week on only one count somehow violates the laws of history, the laws of science and the medicine behind MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE.

Lying to the FBI. Seriously?

Was anyone else even aware this is a crime (let alone a punishable offense)? Shit, I lie to the FBI every day. Well, I should ask this first – does violating American and International laws by downloading music, burning pirated copies of DVDs and removing the warning label from my mattress count?

Go ahead and lie! Lie! Lie! Lie! Lie to your little heart’s content, but this is the FBI we’re talking about here. If you lie to the FBI I’m pretty sure they already know if you’re telling the truth. It’s just a trap.

In Blagojevich’s case it’s like asking the 3-year-old if he stole the cookie or not. Of course he’s going to lie! And I’d say the comparison of Blagojevich to a 3-year-old is pretty accurate – they both have the same haircut.

The balls on this guy are unbelievable too. The jury couldn’t agree on 23 counts (where he was obviously guilty), but they somehow agreed on this random FBI charge which he’s now appealing. In his screwed-up logic, being convicted of only one of 24 felonies somehow automatically vindicates him and proves the innocence he has been forcing down our throats the last year.

A hung jury does not equal innocence. Even a jury finding you “not guilty” of a crime still does not prove innocence.

Then it comes out that it wasn’t such a hung jury after all. It was really just one person holding out who coincidentally is an ex-state employee. When I heard this, many famous figures from history came to mind. Famous figures, not great Americans as Blagojevich thinks he will be remembered. He’s more similar to people like Al Capone, John Gotti, you know – mafia types who also coincidentally lied to the FBI (or in Capone’s case the law in general because there was no FBI then).

And just like his mafia counterparts who were made to stand retrial, he will also have to do the same. It’s anyone’s guess what will happen in the sequel or if this will even turn into a trilogy.

Side note: Does anyone know how I go about getting the rights to this story? Hollywood loves to tell the same piece of trash story three times in a row or in the case of the Saw movies at least six times.

This first jury not finding Blagojevich guilty is annoying for the same reason the elderly shouldn’t be allowed to vote and/or drive, but the truth of the matter is that when you leave a big decision with a group of retarded monkeys they’ll always just end up licking their buttholes instead.