If Lying to the FBI is a crime then consider me Rod Blagojevich

Now I’m no doctor. I’m not a scientist. I don’t know much about history either, but I do know that Rod Blagojevich getting off this week on only one count somehow violates the laws of history, the laws of science and the medicine behind MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE.

Lying to the FBI. Seriously?

Was anyone else even aware this is a crime (let alone a punishable offense)? Shit, I lie to the FBI every day. Well, I should ask this first – does violating American and International laws by downloading music, burning pirated copies of DVDs and removing the warning label from my mattress count?

Go ahead and lie! Lie! Lie! Lie! Lie to your little heart’s content, but this is the FBI we’re talking about here. If you lie to the FBI I’m pretty sure they already know if you’re telling the truth. It’s just a trap.

In Blagojevich’s case it’s like asking the 3-year-old if he stole the cookie or not. Of course he’s going to lie! And I’d say the comparison of Blagojevich to a 3-year-old is pretty accurate – they both have the same haircut.

The balls on this guy are unbelievable too. The jury couldn’t agree on 23 counts (where he was obviously guilty), but they somehow agreed on this random FBI charge which he’s now appealing. In his screwed-up logic, being convicted of only one of 24 felonies somehow automatically vindicates him and proves the innocence he has been forcing down our throats the last year.

A hung jury does not equal innocence. Even a jury finding you “not guilty” of a crime still does not prove innocence.

Then it comes out that it wasn’t such a hung jury after all. It was really just one person holding out who coincidentally is an ex-state employee. When I heard this, many famous figures from history came to mind. Famous figures, not great Americans as Blagojevich thinks he will be remembered. He’s more similar to people like Al Capone, John Gotti, you know – mafia types who also coincidentally lied to the FBI (or in Capone’s case the law in general because there was no FBI then).

And just like his mafia counterparts who were made to stand retrial, he will also have to do the same. It’s anyone’s guess what will happen in the sequel or if this will even turn into a trilogy.

Side note: Does anyone know how I go about getting the rights to this story? Hollywood loves to tell the same piece of trash story three times in a row or in the case of the Saw movies at least six times.

This first jury not finding Blagojevich guilty is annoying for the same reason the elderly shouldn’t be allowed to vote and/or drive, but the truth of the matter is that when you leave a big decision with a group of retarded monkeys they’ll always just end up licking their buttholes instead.