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Job Hunting 101

February 14, 2011 Leave a comment

I’ve seen several news stories lately that say we’re coming out of this recession, but I just don’t know. I was unemployed for over a year and now I’m stuck in a dead-end temp job working for peanuts where I find myself fantasizing about the future day where I will once again have health insurance. I guess the best way to sum it up right now is just to say this: time’s is hard.

Then I came across this article about some lady who has all the answers on landing your dream job. Of course you have to pay to go to her seminar to actually learn anything. Luckily the Chicago Tribune had an article that briefly touched on the topics she will cover.

Reading the article probably would have been a good idea, but I got distracted because the Monorail episode of The Simpsons was on TV. Lucky for you I did, however, skim the article and will now paraphrase what I “read.”

GO TO STARBUCKS OR THE GYM

Sometimes you really want a job, but there’s just so much bureaucracy involved in actually getting it. What you’re going to want to do is find out who’s in charge of the department you work in and immediately begin stalking them.

Now don’t set your sights to high. You don’t want to start following around the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Someone might notice. What you want to do is find a low level manager who still has some influence. Maybe make some pretend sales phone calls just to get names either that or hang out in the parking lot and write down license plate numbers.

Once you’ve found the person you’re looking for you’re going to want to find out where they live. This is basically just Stalking 101. If you have previous experience you can just go on to the next section and if you don’t then keep reading.

Find the Starbucks this manager frequents every morning before work and strike up a conversation. You both love non-fat, low whip, double, triple, super frappuccinos – instant conversation starter. You’re BFFs already!

If the manager’s not a coffee drinker then maybe they are a health nut. Follow them to the gym and tell them they have awesome pecs.

If all else fails marry the manager’s son/daughter. This might mean switching hitting, but everyone knows that a really good job is something worth going gay for.

BYPASSING HUMAN RESOURCES

Human Resources departments were created to make it impossible for people like you and me to get jobs just by walking in and introducing ourselves. Well you know what I say? Fuck that!

Brush your teeth, put on your best Charlie Brown tie, grab your dad’s briefcase and walk straight into Bank of America’s headquarters. Demand to speak with someone in charge and if they try to brush you off tell them your brief case is full of dynamite.

INTERNET FOR RESEARCH; NOT APPLICATIONS

If applying for jobs online is masturbation you might as well actually masturbate instead. When in Rome.

FOLLOW THE NEWS

I have no idea what this means. I think this topic was slipped in because I read the story on the Chicago Tribune who coincidentally is a news organization. Of course, they’d want you to follow the news. Next.

GET DISCOVERED

Amateur porn is going to be your best bet when it comes to this topic. Hopefully you have a hot girlfriend/boyfriend. If not, you’re probably going to want to pay someone who is hot to make a sex tape with you. Make sure your name, contact information and resume is somehow cleverly incorporated in the banging. I’m not going to say anything more here except this is your chance to showcase some of your creativity.

TURNED DOWN FOR A JOB

Don’t take no for an answer. If you get turned down for a job steal your dad’s briefcase again, go back to Bank of America’s headquarters, rinse and repeat.

GET A CONTRACT

One of the most famous stories from the Godfather is the one where Luca Brasi and Don Corleone help Corleone’s godson, Johnny Fontane, get out of a bad contract he signed when he wasn’t famous.

When the producer who signed Fontane to the cheap contract initially refused Corleone’s request to have it nullified, Corleone put a pistol to the producer’s head and assured the producer that either his signature or his brains would rest on the document in exactly one minute.

Do this exactly.

MAGICAL PHRASES

“Tada!” Use this phrase as much as possible during the interview process.

REVEAL BUT NOT TOO MUCH

Make a sex tape, but a classy one. See above.

Congratulations! You know have the knowledge necessary to land your dream job –
Recession be damned! Oh, and if for some silly reason you have any run-ins with the John Q. Law because of what you’ve read here today – we never met.

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Hey! Look! Porn! [Not Actually Porn]

November 16, 2010 Leave a comment

You know what’s great about America?

Freedom.

You know what else is great about America?

You can eat breakfast any time of the day.

Probably the most awesome thing about America is the Internet and all the freedom it really does allow.

Maybe you need to vent about how bad of an experience you had at a local restaurant. Just get on Yelp.com and vent to your heart’s content. Or maybe you want to chat with your friend 4,000 miles away. Gchat!

Then there is also the more, um, questionable side of Internet freedoms.

Is your favorite bands new album really as bad as everyone is saying? Lucky for you websites exist where you can download it (for free) and check it out. Now your favorite band might not like this, but why pay $12 for a CD you don’t like?

You can’t return CDs. Believe me, I’ve tried.

And then there’s porn…okay, you knew that’s where this was going.

Internet porn is one of those quiet freedoms the vast majority have enjoyed at one time or another, but maybe we don’t admit it as easily as we admit our love of the latest Lolcats.

Look at this way, Long John Silvers has been in business since 1969. That’s over 40 years! Now ask yourself this, do you actually know anyone who willingly admits to eating there? Maybe one or two of us do, but the majority will deny it’s crunchy, seafoody goodness. Internet porn isn’t that much different.

Enter Chicago lawyer John Steele. Hey, that kinda sounds like a porn name (unfortunately it’s not)!
Steele is going to make you fess up to ordering those extra-crispy chicken planks and lobster bites you love so much.
He’s suing thousands of people on behalf of porn companies who say they’re losing money to Internet piracy. What’s crazy is the basic freedoms he’s encroaching on to do so.

So you download porn and get caught by Steele because your Internet service provider gives you up like some sort of felon on the run. Steele’s such a nice guy that he will send you a letter letting you know that if you just pay a small fine (anywhere from $1,900 to $3,000) your name will not mentioned in the lawsuit and your parents will never find out that one time you downloaded a Jenna Jameson video.

Nice guy, huh?

Wait a second. What’s that word I’m thinking of? Oh yeah – blackmail.

Blackmail: “extortion of money by threats to divulge discrediting information.” (Thank you, Google)

Here’s the problem with piracy at its very root. It is one person sharing their property with another person. In the case of the Internet it’s one person sharing their property with millions of other people.The bottom line is someone, somewhere at sometime owned the product in question. Probably.

Why shouldn’t I be able to burn a copy of a DVD for a friend?
Are you going to sue me for making my lady friend a mix CD, too?

This is America, dammit!

The bottom line is porn, the music industry and the movie industry say they are losing money to piracy.

You know what they’re really losing money to? Poor, over-priced products.

There’s a reason my generation downloads so much!

First off, there’s way too much to buy and it costs way too much. And secondly, the rest of the products you make are so terrible that you should be given a fine for not realizing how stupid you were to make them in the first place.

Hollywood, do we really need a Saw 7? Oh maybe you should make a prequel to The Godfather.

We all have downloaded, do download and will download again whether it’s porn, Devo’s greatest hits or that latest episode of The Office. You can’t police the Internet. It’s impossible.

Eventually they’re going to have to either ban the Internet or learn to accept the fact that sharing with others is something our parents have taught us to do since we were little.