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Posts Tagged ‘recession’

WikiLeaks: Hoorayforme Edition

March 2, 2011 2 comments

Interoffice memos leaked from January 2010 until March 2011 show how poorly major companies in corporate America are managing the recession.

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Tuesday January 12, 2010 11:00 a.m.

Subject: Please put in all the extra effort you can to make sure the company’s a success. Remember when the company succeeds, you succeed

Attention All Full-Time Employees,

While over-time has currently been cut, employees are encouraged to go that extra step and put in a few extra hours a week. If we all work diligently together and put in that extra effort our company is known for then we will power right through this recession.
We live in an era where the national unemployment rate is hovering around 10 percent, but fortunately for you, you are employed. Work hard and you will see the rewards in yourself and in the company you work for.

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February Thursday 25, 2010 2:59 p.m.

Subject: New mandatory overtime

Attention All Full-Time Employees,

Effective Monday March 1, 2010, all employees are required to work an additional 5 hours of overtime on top of their normal 40 hour per week schedule until further notice.
Questions or comments should be directed to your managers or Human Resources department, but only after work hours.

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Friday February 26, 2010 5 p.m.

Subject: Re: new mandatory overtime

Attention All Part-Time Employees,

Congratulations you have all been promoted to full-time employees because we like to think of our employees as one autonomous unit.
Until further notice you will not receive a pay increase, benefits or pay beyond your normal 15-20 hours, but will now be required to work 40 hours. Please plan accordingly.
Have a great weekend!

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Wednesday May 5, 2010 9:46 a.m.

Subject: Employees are no longer allowed to feel stressed, overwhelmed and/or take breaks during work hours

Attention All Employees,

Due to recent layoffs, our company no longer employs enough staff to get all the normal work done in a day. As a result of these circumstances we’re instructing all employees to limit breaks of all kinds including lunch breaks, smoke breaks and normal break breaks.
Just keep working and do not stop working.
This is not a violation of your rights as you signed those rights away when you were hired.
Employees will not be permitted to file grievances because this is a non-union company.
Also, we fired the entire Human Resources department and replaced them with a new coffee maker. This was for your benefit.

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Wednesday May 5, 2010 10:15 a.m.

Subject: Employees are now responsible for repayment of the new coffee maker

Attention All Employees,

Due to an accounting error, the company will not able to pay for the new coffee maker. Five dollars will be deducted from each employee’s paycheck retroactively from January 1, 2011 until the new coffee maker is paid for (projected pay-off date: January 1, 2030).
Please do not come to your managers with complaints about the company’s new policy as they are too overwhelmed to deal with anyone else being overwhelmed.

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Monday November 22, 2010 12:35 p.m.

Subject: To pay for high-level corporate bonuses this year, all lower level employees salaries will be cut 15 percent

Attention All Employees,

In addition to repayment of the coffee maker, we are going to need to buckle down as a company and help each other out. That’s why effective immediately all lower level employees will be required to take a mandatory 15 percent pay cut.
If you have to ask yourself if you are a lower level employee then the answer is yes.

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Tuesday November 23, 2010 3:00 p.m.

Subject: Thanksgiving Vacation

Attention All Employees,

It is not mandatory, but it is highly recommended for those employees who value their jobs to come in to work for the remainder of the week. You can celebrate Thanksgiving next week. It’s not like it’s going anywhere.

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Friday December 24, 2010 4:58 p.m.

Subject: Mandatory Saturday hours

Attention All Employees,

Please be advised that this coming Saturday December 25 is a mandatory Saturday for all employees.
Where is your savior now?

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Wednesday February 23, 2011 1:15 p.m.

Subject: Layoffs

Attention All Employees,

Most of you are fired while some are not. For further information on this, contact the Human Resources department.
For those of you who have not been released and are currently a high level employee you can expect to receive your bonus on the third Thursday of this month.

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Job Hunting 101

February 14, 2011 Leave a comment

I’ve seen several news stories lately that say we’re coming out of this recession, but I just don’t know. I was unemployed for over a year and now I’m stuck in a dead-end temp job working for peanuts where I find myself fantasizing about the future day where I will once again have health insurance. I guess the best way to sum it up right now is just to say this: time’s is hard.

Then I came across this article about some lady who has all the answers on landing your dream job. Of course you have to pay to go to her seminar to actually learn anything. Luckily the Chicago Tribune had an article that briefly touched on the topics she will cover.

Reading the article probably would have been a good idea, but I got distracted because the Monorail episode of The Simpsons was on TV. Lucky for you I did, however, skim the article and will now paraphrase what I “read.”

GO TO STARBUCKS OR THE GYM

Sometimes you really want a job, but there’s just so much bureaucracy involved in actually getting it. What you’re going to want to do is find out who’s in charge of the department you work in and immediately begin stalking them.

Now don’t set your sights to high. You don’t want to start following around the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Someone might notice. What you want to do is find a low level manager who still has some influence. Maybe make some pretend sales phone calls just to get names either that or hang out in the parking lot and write down license plate numbers.

Once you’ve found the person you’re looking for you’re going to want to find out where they live. This is basically just Stalking 101. If you have previous experience you can just go on to the next section and if you don’t then keep reading.

Find the Starbucks this manager frequents every morning before work and strike up a conversation. You both love non-fat, low whip, double, triple, super frappuccinos – instant conversation starter. You’re BFFs already!

If the manager’s not a coffee drinker then maybe they are a health nut. Follow them to the gym and tell them they have awesome pecs.

If all else fails marry the manager’s son/daughter. This might mean switching hitting, but everyone knows that a really good job is something worth going gay for.

BYPASSING HUMAN RESOURCES

Human Resources departments were created to make it impossible for people like you and me to get jobs just by walking in and introducing ourselves. Well you know what I say? Fuck that!

Brush your teeth, put on your best Charlie Brown tie, grab your dad’s briefcase and walk straight into Bank of America’s headquarters. Demand to speak with someone in charge and if they try to brush you off tell them your brief case is full of dynamite.

INTERNET FOR RESEARCH; NOT APPLICATIONS

If applying for jobs online is masturbation you might as well actually masturbate instead. When in Rome.

FOLLOW THE NEWS

I have no idea what this means. I think this topic was slipped in because I read the story on the Chicago Tribune who coincidentally is a news organization. Of course, they’d want you to follow the news. Next.

GET DISCOVERED

Amateur porn is going to be your best bet when it comes to this topic. Hopefully you have a hot girlfriend/boyfriend. If not, you’re probably going to want to pay someone who is hot to make a sex tape with you. Make sure your name, contact information and resume is somehow cleverly incorporated in the banging. I’m not going to say anything more here except this is your chance to showcase some of your creativity.

TURNED DOWN FOR A JOB

Don’t take no for an answer. If you get turned down for a job steal your dad’s briefcase again, go back to Bank of America’s headquarters, rinse and repeat.

GET A CONTRACT

One of the most famous stories from the Godfather is the one where Luca Brasi and Don Corleone help Corleone’s godson, Johnny Fontane, get out of a bad contract he signed when he wasn’t famous.

When the producer who signed Fontane to the cheap contract initially refused Corleone’s request to have it nullified, Corleone put a pistol to the producer’s head and assured the producer that either his signature or his brains would rest on the document in exactly one minute.

Do this exactly.

MAGICAL PHRASES

“Tada!” Use this phrase as much as possible during the interview process.

REVEAL BUT NOT TOO MUCH

Make a sex tape, but a classy one. See above.

Congratulations! You know have the knowledge necessary to land your dream job –
Recession be damned! Oh, and if for some silly reason you have any run-ins with the John Q. Law because of what you’ve read here today – we never met.

The recession and why I’ll never be able to afford a hot dog or iPod again

September 17, 2010 3 comments

Holy recession!

You know, I thought heard something on the news recently about large amounts of people losing their jobs or some other kind of mass hysteria, but I got distracted by all the talk about Lady Gaga dressed up as a Big Mac. Personally I never found her that attractive, but when you wrap her in bacon suddenly everything changes.

I forgot about the news quickly and hurried off to get a Double Down. Then the following day the recession hit me deeply.

I walked by this hot dog place on Foster & Western I’d really been meaning to try out. In my spare time I consider myself to be quite the hot dog connoisseur. The place always stuck out in my mind because they had a special – $1.75 for a hot dog and fries. Recession be damned!

However, this particular day I noticed that the 7 in 75 had been shaped into a 9 (and very cleverly I might add). I quickly scrolled through my Google News feed to find out why. Had the price of pig anuses drastically increased? Was there a potato famine on the horizon? Then I remembered the “r” word. No, not retarded the other “r” word: recession.

I’m no economist. In fact I barely passed Geometry my sophomore year of high school and I definitely failed Algebra 2 when I found out I didn’t need it to graduate, but I think I know a thing or two about being a consumer. I have three iPods.

Three.

Here’s where I’m confused, if people are losing their jobs and hanging on to what little money they do have then why are prices going up? I saw a census report today, okay I saw the headline of a story about the census report today, that said 1 in 7 people are living in poverty in the United States which translates to 14 percent of the population.

So if 1 in 7 people already can’t afford the cost of living why is the hot dog and fries combo being raised 20 cents? Hot dogs and fries are what poor people live on! Trust me, I know. I barely make enough to cover my bills every month, let alone enough money to afford that fourth iPod I’ve been dreaming about.

Look, the point I’m trying to make here is if the cost of a hot dog and fries combo can go up 20 cents over night, how much more expensive are iPods going to get?

If we keep raising prices while unemployment is high and while people aren’t getting raises we’re on a fast track to becoming some kind of weird futuristic state where you have to work for one hour to afford a roll of toilet paper and six hours of work means you can watch 30 minutes of TV. The logic doesn’t make sense because it’s the future. Duh.

Like I said, I’m no math wiz but I just don’t feel like it makes sense for prices to keep increasing when people can’t already afford things the way they were before. I say we go back to using coins for everything. That seemed to work well for people in the movies. Either way I’m starting to realize that I’m never going to get that fourth iPod now.