Kids and Heroes

When I was a kid I watched wrestling a ton. WWF, baby. Hulk Hogan, Bushwacker Twins, Legion of Doom, the Ultimate Warrior, Jake “the Snake” Roberts, Rick Flair and Rod “Roddy” Piper. Now these are some real heroes.

I feel bad for kids growing up today with “heroes” like Edward Cullen, Justin Bieber and Snooki. What have these people taught kids other than it’s okay for vampires to be gay; having talent doesn’t matter as long as you have Rod Blagojevich hair; and – well, I forgot, what does Snooki do again?

Wrestlers taught me to have pride in America. Hacksaw Jim Dugan always waved around an American flag everywhere he went. If I learned one thing from Hacksaw it’s that you don’t question a 40-year-old man wearing only blue underwear who carries around a 2×4 and an American Flag.

I had a friend when I was 12 and every time I’d go over to his house I remember his dad sitting in the la-z boy just wearing his tighty whiteys watching television. You might call that white trash, but I call it patriotic.

Extreme love for America aside, there was always one wrestler who stuck in my mind: the Ultimate Warrior. In retrospect I really don’t know why I remembered him as my favorite, but I think the fact that he always ran to the stage and wore face paint really appealed to me.

If you remember the Ultimate Warrior you probably also remember hearing rumors about how he died and was replaced with a look alike something like 10 times which got me thinking – I wonder how many times this has happened with the Man Vs Food host?

You can’t deny Adam Richman of his hero status, but after watching five episodes of that show you and I both know there is no way this is the original Adam Richman. I’m thinking this is more like Adam Richman #6 or #7.

So here’s to you, Adam Richman #s 1-4. You were really the greatest and most Adam-esque of the Adams. Your later counterparts Adam Richman #s 5-7 have really put on the pounds – and I refuse to believe a person who participates in eating challenges for a living is overweight.

Case and point: watch any hot dog eating contest. Those people weigh less than 100 pounds!

Look, it doesn’t make sense to me either, but I just chuck it up to science. Science being something like metabolism, another thing I don’t understand.

I’m just glad that all these years later while I no longer watch wrestling for entertainment (I do it now purely for the sport of it), I can still look up to people who participate in stupid activities for nothing more than my amusement. Whether it’s getting smashed in the spine with a steel chair or eating 6,000 chicken wings in under 2 hours, I can honestly I say I love you all. Please don’t ever change.

And if you do change, you know, cause you died or something, just make sure that your replacement is a dead ringer.

Dead ringer cause you’re dead – get it?